Trout Almondine

2003-12-22T13:29:00.000-05:00

SMALL RANT...

Winner of worst teeth I've seen on tv this year -- Joe Trippi, campaign manager for Howard Dean. I swear it looked like he brushes his teeth with cigarettes. Speaking of Dr. Dean...do yourself and your campaign a favor -- shut the hell up! Just because you think something doesn't mean you should say it. Your left sway is already turning off moderately progressive Democrats who want to right the party by returning to its roots, not by holding it hostage. And your "smile" still creeps me out.

How 'bout them Patriots? They just keep winning. The most disturbing thing that occurred during Saturday night's telecast was Joe Willy Namath drunk off his ass on the sideline, telling Suzy Kolber (one of the absolute best sideline reporters) that he wanted to "kissh" her. See the clip here.

On another disturbing note, Clay Aiken graduated from college. I hate American Idol on general principle. But this guy kills me -- and what's worse is the morons who actually pay money for his music. Or those who thought the voting was rigged -- funny stuff.

And, to finish the music/morons category...I hate that damned "Christmas Shoes" song. I want to reach through the radio and tear the dj to shreds when it comes on. It's not sad; it's not touching -- it's contrived and poorly done. Just like the Toby Keith "I don't think, but I know I love my country, so F you!" song(s). And then the geniuses of network tv went and made this into a tv movie! Starring Rob Lowe! And, what really just broke my heart...as I was flipping through stations and passed this crap, the kid in the movie was wearing a Sox hat. I died a little last night.

2003-12-18T10:09:00.000-05:00

MARTIAN MOON-MAN LANGUAGE DEPARTMENT:

President Bush signed the "CAN SPAM" legislation into law yesterday. Nevertheless, I was contacted today by Mr. Augustin Yoder with the truly cryptic offer below. Under the subject line, "couples do it sometimes and is just for themselves!this got out of hands! [all sic]," I received the following missive:

"Egregio signore
Benvenuto! Questo link la portera' alla pagina della donna piu' famosa del 21 esimo secolo. Paris Hilton. Ne ha sentito parlare prima? Per saperne di piu' segua le istruzioni che trovera' nella pagina seguente. Le auguro una buona visine"

Obviously, this is some sort of code, or corrupted file. The fact that Viking Zen was cc'd on the message makes me suspect it's one of her comp lit grad school friends, planning some sort of party in her honor, to be held at the Paris Hilton.

Well, I'm not going. I'd do just about anything for a friend, but this got out of hands.

2003-12-09T15:06:00.000-05:00

LOCAL GOVERNMENT -- SMALL JOBS, SMALL MINDS.

Down here in Virginia, we're dealing with one of the most ludicrous bans to come along in quite some time -- "decorative vegetation." The newly adopted International Building Code includes sections on cut trees. Basically, it says that unless you live in a townhouse, single family home, or apartment or condo with a sprinkler system, you can't have a "natural cut" tree. That includes Christmas trees. Christmas tree fires killed 5 people, injured an additional 60, and caused over $15 million in damager last year alone. More people die by slipping in their bathtubs.

After a bit of an uproar, the state fire marshall lifted the ban for state properties and left it to individual county and city marshalls for their own localities (Cities in Virginia are not part of counties, they are independent). Many counties did, including Arlington (eventually). Others did not. Fairfax County, for example banned it. Yet within Fairfax County is George Mason University, a state school. So on the school property, you can do whatever you want.

I was really not happy when I found out that the county would not let me have a real tree in my garden-style condo. So I wrote an email to the county board expressing my dismay at the ban, asking them to coordinate with the county fire marshall. I received the following letter in return, from the Chairman who is clearly in touch with the needs of his contiuents:

On behalf of the County Board, thank you for sharing your support for the strategic options relating to trees in the Fiscal Year 2003 budget. I greatly appreciate your support of the tree initiatives I outlined for this year which will improve and enhance our urban forest.

At our April 20th meeting, the Board adopted the Fiscal Year 2003 budget, which includes $530,600 to protect, preserve, and restore the County's tree canopy. Our efforts will include:

* Development and implementation of a tree master plan, including public education.
* Enhanced efforts to control invasive plants.
* Increased tree planting from 800 to 1,200 trees.
* Additional staffing to ensure implementation of tree plantings and landscaping approved in site plans

As the year progresses, you will be able to read more about and participate in planned events which will advance the tree initiatives. First, after the May 11th Neighborhood Day parade, at Courthouse Plaza, there will be tree give-aways. Second, the County is looking for citizen volunteers to help combat invasive plants in County parks. Please call the County at 703-228-6521 to learn ways in which you can lend a hand. Third, under the leadership of Virginia Cooperative Extension, the Tree Steward course and volunteer program was organized in response to requests from residents for more information about trees and expressions of concern about lost or dying trees. The Tree Steward program is sponsored by the Virginia Department of Forestry and the Virginia Urban Forest Council with the shared belief that citizen advocates are our best stewards. For more information on getting involved, please call the VCE at 703-228-6416.

Again, thank you for your support of the County's tree initiatives, and for participating in the budget process by taking the time to write.

Sincerely,

Christopher Zimmerman
Chairman

Also please note that I am the first to use a change in font size on the blog.

2003-11-30T16:31:00.000-05:00

STYLE INVITATIONAL, WEEK 530:

My second first-runner up of the year! The competition was to take any word and then change it three times--by adding, substracting, and changing a single letter--and defining the three new words. My printed entry is first.

Snowboarding
Snowbearding: Adopting extreme sports as a way of seeming less gay.
Snowbarding: Schussing e’er onward t’ward the hillock’s scree/Whether mine neck to break, it is to be or not to be.
Snowbogarding: Using up the snow so no one else can ski.

Ju-jitsu
U-jitsu: Self-defeatist martial arts.
Nu-jitsu: So it’s martial arts little Moishe’s learning?
Jug-jitsu: Bikini mudwrestling.

Camouflage
Camouflag: The standard borne by stealth specialists, constantly being lost by its assigned custodian.
Campuflage: Technique for hiding items your college doesn’t allow you to keep in the dorm room, e.g. disguising your microwave by keeping a TV antenna on top of it.
Camouflarge: Wearing black, vertical stripes, long skirts, or other completely useless attempts at hiding a beer gut.

Arrogant
Irrogant: Describing someone who violates a ban on watering one’s lawn during a heatwave.
Arroant: Excessively proud of one’s skill at fletchery.
ArRogaint: Newfound selfconfidence following successful hair restoration.

Salmonella
Salmonilla: The least popular Haagen Dasz flavor ever.
Almonella: Disease contracted from tainted Amaretto.
Stalmonella: Illness conveniently contracted before fulfilling an unpleasant obligation.

Liquer
Liqueuer: One willing to wait in excessively long bar lines.
Liqueer: Cordial that tastes like trout with a hint of sandalwood.
Iqueur: After-dinner drink distilled from unguents of Iraqi iguanas.

Sharpton
Sharptoon: A caricature, but one that becomes more focused and accurate over time.
Harpton: A candidate that rambles.
Sharkton: A political animal that can smell a single particle of opportunity in an ocean of competition.

2003-11-30T16:25:00.000-05:00

STYLE INVITATIONAL, WEEK 528:

No ink, becuase I was robbed. Read my entries below for "Jeopardy"-style questions in response to given answers:

Mary, Susan and Beyonce
What are alternate forms of the names Maria, Suzanne, and Passé?
What are the singular forms of the words “Marys,” “Susans,” and “Beythrice”?

Loaves and Knishes
What action of Mother Theresa’s has the Vatican refused to consider as a miracle in her evaluation for beatification?
What did Jesus serve the Goldbergs?
What does a Jewish Mama mean when she signs a letter XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO?

Hamsters, Poi and that Britney-Madonna kiss
Name three things that transmit cooties.
Named three things that are served on Spears.

Anthony “Big Pancreas” Santucci
What mobster has repeatedly eluded hitman Ira “Diabetic Shock” Lefkowitz?
Who started his career as a jujuvenum delinquent?

Yasser Arafat but not Daffy Duck
Whose authority to negotiate for the PLO has Ariel Sharon refused to acknowledge?
Of Yasser Arafat and Daffy Duck, which is able to pronounce the other’s name correctly?

Daffy Duck but not Ariel Sharon
Who declined to attend a peath thummit because it was Pathover?

Benedict Arnold Schwarzenegger
What does Ted Kennedy call Maria Shriver?

Only People who are very skinny
Who is safe from the ravages of a drug-addled Rush Limbaugh?
What would be a more accurate name for People magazine?

Because you need the right undergarments
Why are the citizens of Arlington, VA undependable athletic supporters?
Why has Justice Rehnquist never posed for the cover of the American Spectator in the same pose made famous by Marilyn Monroe in “Te Seven Year Itch”?

It’s like a peanut, only bigger
What, aside from the Governor of California, is an “Ahrnut”?

A toaster and Antonin Scalia, but not a Reuben Sandwich
What elements are necessary to continue the practice of imposing capital punishment in Alabama?
What are you likely to find at the head table of the Sons of Italy annual convention?

2003-11-25T10:07:00.000-05:00

CATCH OF THE DAY

I don't anything about the ugliest salmon, but I do know one who has been caught. Friday evening, I proposed to J, and, amazingly enough, she accepted. Families all around are very happy, and her friends and coworkers have declared that I did an excellent job.

And, I get the bonus of putting one of my best friends in a tight spot -- he has already spoken to his girlfriend's parents and has a family heirloom ring. Yet he has done nothing with it yet. His fault. He's screwed.

2003-11-19T10:18:00.000-05:00

RUNNERS-UP DEPARTMENT:

This article claims that the ugliest salmon in the world has been caught. A picture is available, and I beg to differ.

2003-11-18T12:14:00.000-05:00

WE FIND THE DEFENDANT OWES US ALL PIZZA DEPARTMENT:

I had a fascinating discussion with Henry Porter over the topic of jury nullification. According to Henry, Progressive Review editor Sam Smith has asserted that "jury nullification" is the "right" juries have to reach a verdict based not only on belief on whether the defendant is guilty or innocent, but whether they agree that the law the accused has broken is a valid, just law. Some groups have called for "fully informed juries" to be told they have the right to vote based on their agreement with the legislature.

Not being a practicing attorney, I'm occasionally shocked by my own ignorance of legal practice, but I was sure this flew in the face of everything I learned in Federal Civil Procedure. I was taught that the jury is the trier of fact; the judge is the sole trier of law. It should come as no surprise that practice and theory are sometimes so disconnected as to be estranged, but that's the ideal situation.

I wondered if perhaps what was being discussed was the inviolability of jury deliberations. In an ideal world, at the close of argument and jury instructions, juries should neither receive nor seek to introduce new evidence (in fact, expertise and experience of indiviudal jurors has been held to be equivalent to inadmissible expert testimony, and has invalidated verdicts). To protect this, jury deliberations are conducted in closed rooms. No information should go in or out of that room (with some narrow exceptions, i.e. requests to view evidence, clarifications of jury instructions, etc.). As a practical matter, juries often deliberate on any basis they choose, up to and including prejudice, opportunism, symapthies, personal experience, and personal morality. As long as no one outside the jury room learns of this, there's nothing they can do about it.

Turns out I was basically right. Jury nullification is therefore not a "right," but a "power" juries have to ignore their instructions and in effect usurp the legislative function. Some have argued that this process is Constitutional (pointing to supporters such as the first U.S. Supreme Court Justice, John Jay). The principle has, however, been out of favor for over a hundred years, and in 2002, a ballot measure in South Dakota that would have explicitly condoned the process was defeated by a 4 to 1 margin.

For more on this, see this website.

2003-11-17T13:33:00.000-05:00

A SHOCKING, EXCLUSIVE WASHINGTON POST EXPOSE!!!

The PG-13 rating is out to corrupt your children! Um, hello, Ms. Mundy, it's been around for 20 years. But she's all over it with this Magazine piece.

She complains about the use of "pork" and "shag" as though they are the essential equivalent to other four letter words.

On the Post's website, it ends up being a 5 page article, which seems ridiculously long. And then it's clearly a set-up, as she asks a pair of young girls what PG-13 movies they've seen recently. They rattle off 10-15 movies. Like they remembered all those were PG-13. I barely remember what the names of the movies I've see are, there's no chance those girls weren't coached or provided a list.

I saw Gremlins when I was 6, and I'm still ok. Let's put blame where it belongs -- on the head of the parents who don't give a few minutes of their time to find out what they're kids are doing.

2003-11-16T18:36:00.000-05:00

ZEN JUDAISM DEPARTMENT:

Remember, kids, blogging e-mail forwards is cheating.

Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenace, do the following: Get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.

Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget these simple things and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving-kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.

2003-11-16T18:28:00.000-05:00

JOSTLIN' ELDERS DEPARTMENT:

My excuse for not blogging this week: I was at a three day conference on compliance and ethics in the pharmaceutical industry. For those of you that don't track this sort of thing, the pharmaceutical industry is one of the most aggressive, profitable, and corrupt institutions outside of the Russian mafia that there is. There was some self-aggrandizing sloganeering and some transparent rationalization, but there was a fair amount of humility, and a few speakers really seemed to understand that promoting safe, effective drugs with integrity and reliability is ultimately good for business.

I could write another thousand words on the experience, but that's what I'm being paid to do next week, so I'd rather talk about the conference that was being held next door, attended by a strange mix of middle-aged state employees, hot Southern chicks, and earnest-looking prudes of all stripes: It was the annual meeting of an association of abstinence educators. First of all, doesn't the juxtaposition of this group with a meeting of a bunch of people that sell drugs for a living sound like something straight out of the Onion? It seems to me like the kind of thing the hotel's conference bookers would pay attention to. "Yes, Mr. Slyvester, we'd be happy to book you at the Hilton for your annual convention of cartoon cats. I believe our only other booking that weekend is the Acme Anvil, Pogo Stick, Stilt, and Jet-Powered Rollerskate Company's annual awards dinner, so there should be plenty of room."

For those that don't know, abstinence is big business. Part of the welfare reform law that so shruk the rolls a few years ago (the "Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act") provided financial incentives to states that promoted abstinence education, so despite the fact that it basically doesn't work, states are scramblong to qualify.

During one presentation, a pharmaceutical rep asked whether it was possible to offer doctors promotional items such as notepads and t-shirtsl, given tough new laws that forbid offering them "anything of value" in exchange for switching patients to a new drug. "Well," responded the representaive from the FDA, "the safest course of action would be to refrain from any kind of promotion of your products whatsoever. That would probably be the approach they'd recommend next door."

During another session, we could very hearly clear through the thin divider a crowd chanting "YAY! YAY! ABSTI_NENCE! ABSTI-NENCE!" My Friend noted, "That would be like hearing 'No chocolate chip cookies! Hooray!'" "It's even worse than that," I responded. "It's like saying 'No chocolate chip cookies for anyone!'"

More later this week, I swear.

2003-11-13T12:27:00.000-05:00

(Power)Pointed Criticism

Being concerned with communication of data and technical information to various audiences, Edward Tufte is something of a personal hero of mine. Tufte is a Professor Emeritus at Yale who has published several books about displaying quantitative information which encompass theories of statistics, graphic design, and communication. He focuses on the best ways to display information, and warns about how bad displays of information can be meaningless, and worse, misleading. His work is absolutely fascinating – take a look some day at his book The Visual Display of Quantitative Information. Not only is his stuff enlightening because I present information for a living, but I also feel that I have become a better consumer of information for having read his books and articles.

Recently he published a short manuscript about one of my favorite professional tools called “The Cognitive Style of PowerPoint.” Because I use PowerPoint so frequently, I was skeptical about his thesis – that the prevalence of PowerPoint as a presentation tool has actually been a detriment to communicating information because of its propensity for content-light bulleted lists, its limitation in being able to show complex relationships due to low resolution of its slides, and its distracting fancy templates.

Then I actually read the essay and I agree wholeheartedly with it. I still feel that PowerPoint has its place -- like any tool, it can be abused. If you’re interested in the essay (and really, it’s fascinating and SHOULD be read by all people who ever use presentation software, like, say those that work for consulting firms…) anyway, you can buy it for 7 bucks from Tufte’s web site. Check out the site while you’re there – it’s fun. My Catch has the Napoleon’s March poster on his wall at work – Tufte’s classic example of excellent information display.

Included in the essay is a hilarious spoof of the Gettysburg Address if Lincoln had used PowerPoint to give it. Peter Norvig created it using the PowerPoint “AutoContent Wizard,” (at which Tufte scoffs, “Just fancy that, ‘AutoContent.’”). Check it out here. I love the first slide, which shows a bar graph of "New Nations" with "Years." At -87 years the bar indicates 1, and at "Now" the bar indicates 0, summarizing the statement that “Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation.”

Of course, the point is, some presentations (Tufte would say most or even all presentations) are better given without the use of "presentation software."

2003-11-12T13:58:00.000-05:00

"Sport?"

What would it take to get Trout Almondine to watch ESPN?

How about Scrabble?

I kid you not. Channel surfing the other day, I came across an ESPN broadcast of a Scrabble match. I had just gotten over the ESPN poker thing, and now this. Too funny. Is this old news to the rest of you? Can Olympic Scrabble be far behind?

Please enter your Scrabble play by play and color commentary in the comments section.

2003-11-07T10:08:00.000-05:00

WHITE CHOCOLATE CHIPS DEPARTMENT:

I found this piece on an anti-affirmative action demonstration at Indiana University especially maddening. The stunt was that students held a bake sale where goods were offered at different prices for students of different races. It was an extremely powerful and persuasive stunt, and I do think it's possible that students participating were ignorant, rather than racist. The problem with the analogy is the same as that of the entire laissez-faire approach to social issues: It over-simplifies the nature of complex policy issues and social transactions.

There's no question that quota systems and scaled standards are a brute-force approach to a delicate issue. These college kids, though, did not live through an era where discriminatory admissions practices maintained a hateful and repugnant status quo. Some public institutions were only opened to blacks thirty to forty years ago: this may seem like geologic time to an 18-year old, but it's a short enough span that legislators and policymakers now in senior, influential positions were influenced by that environment and still long for a return to it.

I was also saddened by some of the commentary about the issue at www.fark.com, a normally fun-loving, liberal-leaning site that sponsors some very clever Photoshopping contests (are you paying attention, Viking Zen?). One comment that solicited a lot of support was "It is impossible to be both pro-affirmative action and intelligent." That's the level of social analysis that passes for sophisticated, in a lot of circles, I guess, nothing new about that. Cheers, though, to the lone voice in the wilderness, a poster calling him/herself "Smookyfufu," who made this comment: "Awesome, a thread about how hard white people have it, and then a nice circle jerk about it. Yay! "Oooooh, its sooo harrrd being meeeee...." " (That last line is, I believe, a reference to the overwrought song about Superman called "I'ts Not Easy Being Me" featured on the TV show about Clark Kent as a pouty teenager, "Smallville.")

2003-11-06T18:55:00.000-05:00

PIN MONKEY DEPARTMENT:

Maybe, just maybe, the time has come for you to play a round of Monkey Bowling.

2003-11-05T10:48:00.000-05:00

EVERYTHING THAT HAS A BEGINNING, HAS AN END

Saw "The Matrix Revolutions" last night. Yup, sneak preview. Lots more fighting, some of it you have to wonder why it's in there. Overall, a decent third chapter. Not spectacular, but visually stunning at times. Much more subtle on the theology/philosophy/sociology, though. They don't hit you over the head with it this time, so much as they illustrate pieces of it.

On a sad note, Monica Bellucci is in the movie for all of 5 minutes and 2 lines. That was a real disappointment. On the plus side, more Jada Pinkett-Smith and Nona Gaye.

2003-11-05T10:42:00.000-05:00

TARGETED ADVERTISING

Seen the iPod/iTunes commercials? They have bright colors with the silhouettes of people dancing around. There are two different ones (at least as far as I have seen) -- one that has a hiphop/r&b song, and one that featues a White Stripes ripoff, "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" by Jet (only reason I know this is that it's on the Madden 2004 soundtrack).

The silhouettes with the hiphop song are clearly African-American -- the female sports Macy Gray-style hair, and the male is almost as identifiable. The rock track's dancers are also clearly white -- long, swinging hair on the female, an Ashton Kutcher job on the guy.

Both ads were seen while watching Monday Night Football (go Pats!).

So is this a black and white issue? Or is there gray area when it comes to advertising?

2003-11-03T13:22:00.000-05:00

POLLY WANNA...CRACKPOT?

I live in an area where there are miles and miles of trails for biking, rollerblading, jogging, or just plain walking. It's not unusual to see folks in the area out for a stroll on nice days like we had this weekend, and many will take the opportunity to get their dogs out for some exercise.

What do you do if you don't have a dog? Take out your macaw. Or two.

Yes, out for a morning stroll was a gentleman with a scarlet macaw on each arm. If you're not familiar with the macaw, it's a parrot -- on steroids. From head to tail, they are 3 feet long. And this guy was carrying around two of them, just perched on his arms. This just seems a little weird to me.

2003-10-31T16:11:00.000-05:00

HE WAS ASKING FOR IT. NO, REALLY:

From Yahoo News--A man described by authorities as a known sexual predator was chased through the streets of South Philadelphia by an angry crowd of Catholic high school girls, who kicked and punched him after he was tackled by neighbors, police said on Friday.

This story is a desecration of all that's perverse, and a prime target for the Rashomon treatment--For both parties, I'm sure the experience was simultaneously horrible and wonderful. A happy story, any way you look at it?

2003-10-31T10:25:00.000-05:00

POETRY REEDING DEPARTMENT:

Today, of course, is Halloween, which like almost everything else on Earth makes me a little melancholy, whoch probably tells you enough about me to know me well. I get to thinking about the people with whom I'd spent Halloweens past, and about how as I get older there are fewer and fewer opportunities for that sort of thing.

Even in my salad days, I used to set aside time to listen to Lou Reed's "Halloween Parade" at the end of the night, which is pretty downbeat. I finally figured out that it was about attending an annual event in Greenwich Village in anera where many of the regulars had succumbed to the first wave of the AIDS epidemic. I guess I stopped including it as part of my own Halloween tradition for the same reason I don't ride my motorcycle in Veteran's Day processions: I recognize that I don't really have the standing to participate, nor enough of a personal connection for the tribute to come off as anything but pretension.

Seeing as how it's Poetry Friday, I'll set out the lyrics here, though, and you (if I still have any regular readers) can make of them what you will.

There's a downtown fairy singing out "Proud Mary"
as she cruises Christopher Street
and some Southern Queen is acting loud and mean
where the docks and the badlands meet
This Halloween is something to be sure
especially to be here without you
There's a Greta Garbo and an Alfred Hitchcock
and some black Jamaican stud
There's five Cinderellas and some leather drags
I almost fell into my mug
There's a Crawford, Davis and a tacky Cary Grant
and some Homeboys lookin' for trouble down here from the Bronx
But there ain't no Hairy and no Virgin Mary
you won't hear those voices again
and Johny Rio and Rotten Rita
you'll never see those faces again
This Halloween is something to be sure
especially to be here without you
There's the Born Again Losers and the Lavender Boozers
and some crack team from Washington Heights
the boys from Avenue B and the girls from Avenue D
Tinkerbell in tights
This celebration somehow gets me down
Especially when I see you're not around
There's no Peter Pedantic saying things romantic
In Latin, Greek or Spic
There's no Three Bananas or Brandy Alexander
Dishing all their tricks
It's a different feeling that I have today
Especially when I know you've gone away
There's a girl from Soho with a teeshirt saying "I Blow"
She's with the "jive five 2 plus 3"
And the girls for pay dates are giving cut rates
Or else doing it for free
The past keeps knock knock knocking on my door
And I don't want to hear it anymore
No consolations please
for feelin' funky
I got to get my head above my knees
But it makes me mad and mad makes me sad
And then I start to freeze
In the back of my mind I was afraid it might be true
In the back of my mind I was afraid that they meant you

The Halloween parade
See you next year---
At the Halloween parade

2003-10-30T15:34:00.000-05:00

ON THE SPIRITUALITY OF BASEBALL

The Washington Post published an opinion column last week by Jonathan Miller, who is a Yankees fan. Read it. It's eloquently written, with the author attempting to lay out a case for protecting his children from being Red Sox fans.

In response, Matt, a good friend and regular poker buddy, authored this letter. It's the spirit of New England -- what does not kill us only makes us stronger. That we believe so deeply that the Sox will win feeds us from February through October. A coworker (who grew up in Chicago as a Cubs fan) once asked me how I could continue to pull for the Sox, year after year, with such passion. I thought about it quickly and responded that they had "only broken my heart sixteen or seventeen times. Watch "Bull Durham" a few more times. It's not the greatest movie, but it is the best explanation of the spirituality of baseball.

Of course, after reading the two letters, another friend with strong Sox ties had a far more succinct answer: "I think I would have responded by asking this Father why he wants his children to be assholes."

2003-10-27T09:31:00.000-05:00

LIKE I NEEDED ANOTHER REASON TO HATE THE YANKEES...

I watched about an hour of the World Series, including the last 2 innings of the deciding Game 6. I don't even know who was named MVP (I assume Josh Beckett).

Watching the Marlins celebrate their victory on the grass of Yankee Stadium, you could clearly hear the background music being piped in over the PA -- Sinatra's "New York, New York."

That's an organization showing its true (pin)stripes -- completely without class.

2003-10-23T18:34:00.000-04:00

TALES OF ERRATICA:

You may find the phrases "Chuck Norris martial arts movie" and "bittersweet reminisces of women loved and lost" appositive. You poor, sheltered, inhuman misfit.

2003-10-23T17:51:00.000-04:00

ADVANCES IN GENETICS DEPARTMENT:

The gene that causes obsessive compulsive disorder has been found. The gene that causes obsessive compulsive disorder has been found. The gene that causes obsessive compulsive disorder has been found. The gene that causes obsessive compulsive disorder has been found. The gene that causes obsessive compulsive disorder has been found. The gene that causes obsessive compulsive disorder has been found. The gene that causes obsessive compulsive disorder has been found. The gene that causes obsessive compulsive disorder has been found. The gene that causes obsessive compulsive disorder has been found. The gene that causes obsessive compulsive disorder has been found. The gene that causes obsessive compulsive disorder has been found.

Het neeg hatt acuses sebosvesi clompsulvie order-dis sha eben fundo...

2003-10-13T21:08:00.000-04:00

STYLE INVITATIONAL, WEEK 523:

I got one mention in a fairly straightforward, wide-open category: Name way to make life more complicated. I had quite a few submissions, though, so settle in. As usual, my printed entry is listed first, followed by the ones I liked better than the one I got printed.

Bicycle-pedal operated flush toilets.

Remember the planets of the solar system in the correct order with the mnemonic “Mnemonic verifies effective memorization, justifying sureness using nomenclature (planetary).”

Memorize the order of sharps added to the scale using the mnemonic, “Far cabooses ground delicate arteriosclerosis (E) Bienvenue.”

In Monopoly, you can’t build on your property until you’ve been pre-approved for the appropriate-sized loan based on the results of a credit review, verification of your identity, and criminal record report.

To prevent juvenile vandalism, fire alarm levers are located seven feet above the ground and require the answer to a question only someone over 18 would know, like, “Who hosted the Tonight show before Jay Leno?”

High school graduates are required to re-validate their diplomas by taking an exam that asks questions about basic concepts learned in high school like, “What is the polar coordinate method of graphing a complex number?” and “identify and decline an irregular I-stem verb.”

Crossword puzzles answers have five categories: Across, Down, Outward, Inward, and Through Time.

Prepare for a weather emergency by stocking up on batteries, fresh water, candles, prescription medicines, nonperishable food, dry ice, gasoline, boardgames, homing pigeons, crossbows, and acoustic musical instruments.

To prevent election day confusion, vote by making a video recording stating who you’ve voting for, clearly spelling the candidate’s first and last names, incorporating a brief statement explaining your reasoning and citing the media outlets and new items that have helped formulate your opinion.

Consolidate tax assistance and suicide hotlines.

Logon to computer network using a User ID, password, answer to a question known only to you, blood sample, code key, and then sacrificing a goat to the Bil-gatesium the Many-Handed.

Nonreligious adolescents must also be subjected to rite of passage into adulthood. The ritual also requires memorization, only of content-neutral material, such as critical emergency phone numbers and four-ingredient dinner recipes requiring less than an hour of prep time.

To facilitate learning the piano, a computer component registers what key signature you’re playing in, and keys for notes not included in that scale become electrified to deliver painful shocks.

2003-10-13T11:17:00.000-04:00

UNQUALIFIED SUCCESS DEPARTMENT:

Now that the dust has settled in California, let's discuss the real contest, shall we? What I think most Americans want to know is who got more votes: Mary Carey aka Mary Cook, the porn star, or Gary Coleman, the evil dwarf from Twin Peaks?

Answer: According to the offical returns, Coleman, proving once again that experience matters over commercial success. Um. Anyway, Coleman came in eighth, with 13,015 votes, and Carey scored 10,316.

Over twenty-three thousand people took time out of their day to vote for people who were running as a publicity stunt, and who had no hope, intention, or even desire to win.

I wish someone were able to exit-poll these voters. Are they protestors? Pranksters? Industry types that care more about supporting publicity stunts than who manages the roads they drive on, the water they drink, and the licenses they need for location shots?

Or maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe another factor in what I consider the overwhelming success of these candidates is a belief that an average person, accomplished in any field at all, with no experience and an opinion no better or worse informed than everyone else's, can perform in the office adequately. Something like that belief seems to have contributed to Schwarzenegger's unexpected success.

2003-10-10T15:18:00.000-04:00

THEY'RE DOIN' IT POLE TO POLE DEPARTMENT:

For Massachusetts residents, tomorrow is Casimir Pulaski Day. Who was Casimir Pulaski, you ask? Mind your own damn business. He's the guy whose death, on October 11 of some year or another, you're supposed to commemorate in Massachusetts.

I first came across his name in a book of Massachusetts statutes while interning for the Attorney General. I was assigned to the Department of Fair Labor, reviewing incoming case files and closing out old ones. Already laboring under the irony of enforcing payment of salaries while receiving none myself, the discovery of this statute implied for me that there was another labor benefit I was being denied: The right to have the day off from work or school, going back every October 11 I'd lived in Massachusetts. True, the statute didn't explicitly SAY we got the day off, merely that Pulaski's contribution to American history should be "commemorated." But how, may I ask, are you supposed to do THAT without proper time available for research, contemplation, and appropriately-themed barbecues?

Rectifying the situation, of course, would take more than the gag memo I circulated among the other interns. It would take a sustained effort, a campaign of annually alerting people to the injustice, and reminding those who should already know. And so, every year, I try to do a little something in observation of the occasion, that doesn't actually involve learning anything about Pulaski or his life, because then asking for the day off to do that would make me a big hypocrite.

You've just read this year's project.

2003-10-09T16:58:00.000-04:00

SYMPATHY FOR THE HORNY DEVIL DEPARTMENT:

Siegfried and Roy have always creeped me out a little bit, but still, I think what happened to Roy is kind of sad. Especially considering that, according to Siegfried, the animal was not acting aggessively, but attemptingto protect Roy by stabilizing him when he tripped:

The illusionist tripped and the tiger lunged, grabbing Horn's arm, [co-performer Siegfried] Fischbacher said. After Horn tried to free himself by hitting the tiger on the head with a microphone, the 600-pound animal took hold of his neck and then dragged him offstage. Show workers set off fire extinguishers backstage to distract the tiger, which then scurried to his cage.

Fischbacher said the tiger didn't intend to kill Horn. If that was the case, he said, "I wouldn't be here, Roy wouldn't be here."

According to Fischbacher, Horn muttered after the attack: "Don't harm the cat."

2003-10-09T16:04:00.000-04:00

SOX WASHOUT DEPARTMENT:

Creamed Salmon tells me that he and his friend Matt have been watching all the playoff at the same location, with the same people, while wearing the same clothes, on the off chance that of all the factors contributing to the Sox's (should it be Sox'?) success, the infinitesimal support of his coterie turns out to somehow be the cause. Creamed Salmon is the kind of sports fan I once saw described in Mad Magazine (back in the day) as "Able to recite the RBI of every hitter in the starting lineups of every National League franchise, but unable to recall which of his children has diabetes." I argue that he should feel free to LAUNDER the clothes he's been wearing. That hoodie now has mineral deposits soaked into its fabric that it didn't when the streak began, so he's actually INTRODUCING variables into the equation.

Salmon counters that I don't understand the philosphy behind streak-maintaining rituals. Then he walks away while I'm in the middle of my next sentence, gently shaking his head. But I think he gets the message.

2003-10-09T12:56:00.000-04:00

BUSH ONCE AGAIN DUCKING THE ISSUES

When asked "Red Sox or Yankees?", Bush begged out and stated only that the matchup is "good for baseball," according to this Yahoo! News article.

2003-10-09T10:04:00.000-04:00

FAIR (BALLS) AND BALANCED (LINEUPS)

I was very impressed by the Fox Sports producers of last night's Sox-Yanks game. When a weather graphic popped up and McCarver, Buck, and Boone started telestrating it, Fox returned to the field shot with its usual commentators box -- except instead of saying "Commentators," it said "Weathermen."

And, while interviewing the fan who "saw" Walker's foul pole home run, they were able to pick out where he was when it happened -- behind the pole (therefore unable to see the play) and looking out toward center field. Returning to the fan, the graphic read: "Objective" Yankees Fan.

Good stuff. And Bret Boone wasn't as annoying as I'd thought he'd be. Even McCarver was tame last night, though there were several occasions on which I would have liked to stuff something in his mouth.

2003-10-08T21:40:00.000-04:00

APALOGIES TO KARP DEPARTMENT:

Yesterday, Karp criticised my entry on the "#" cymbal for contaneing a mispelling of what was argueably the most important word of the post: The first apeerance of the word I was deafening. I regret the eror, and have changed the typograhpical misteak. For those of you that saw the entry and read the word "otothorpe," pleas note that the corecct spelling of the word is: "oMphotchorpne."

2003-10-08T12:00:00.000-04:00

IT'S BACK ...

In honor of the CA recall election, I submit this post, again pulled directly out of Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst and Most Unusual. This entry highlights how very, very quaint some of the book's entries have become (it was first published in 1976). I mean, this proof that Californians are not like the rest of us was long ago eclipsed by bigger triceps ... er, I mean, bigger weirdnesses.

"Best Proof That Californians Are Not Like the Rest of Us: California is currently the scene of a mushrooming 'gluers' movement spearheaded by people who like to glue things -- small things, preferably, like costume jewelry, rubber mice, teeth, baby beads, tennis balls, bottle caps, plastic salt shakers -- to bigger things, like cars and buildings. Dickens Bascom, a noted northern California gluer, looks forward to the day when he can join other gluers and purchase a large office building and decorate it in their fasion. 'I'm determined to do it,' he says. 'I think it's something people need.'"

Yeah, there's a joke in here somewhere about sniffing glue, but I'm too lazy to articulate it. Actually, I'm not lazy enough - got to get back to work.

2003-10-08T11:52:00.000-04:00

IN AN OCTALTHORPE'S GARDEN WITH YOU DEPARTMENT:

Okay, now this...THIS...is a fascinating submission from my Word-A-Day service:

Octothorpe (OK-tuh-thorp), noun: The symbol #.

The symbol # is derived from a shorthand way of writing lb, the abbreviation for the Latin libra (balance), just as $ is a shorthand way of writing US. Octothorpe is an alteration, influenced by octo-, of earlier octalthorpe, probably a humorous blend of octal (an eight-point pin used in electronic connections) and someone whose last name was or ended in "thorpe", and whose identity is subject to speculation. It may be James Edward Oglethorpe, an eighteenth century English philanthropist, but more likely it is an Olympic athlete, Jim Thorpe.

In the early 1960s, Bell Labs introduced two special keys in its innovative touch-tone telephone keypads, "#" and "*," for which it needed fresh names. Having eight points, "octo-" was an obvious first element. Since the engineer involved in introducing this innovation was active in a group seeking the return of Jim Thorpe's medals from Sweden, he whimsically added "-thorpe", creating octothorpe. (Jim Thorpe was disqualified because of his professional status, but his medals were restored posthumously.)

The "#" is also known as a pound sign, crosshatch, number sign, sharp, hash, crunch, mesh, hex, flash, grid, pig-pen,
gate, hak, oof, rake, fence, gate, grid, gridlet, square, and widget mark.

TROUT NOTES that the derivation of the $ symbol from the letters "US" superimposed is apocryphal (meaning "of questionable authenticity," but possibly true). I also note that the creation of a crosshatch may very easily have had more than one derivation--the "lb" etymology above sounds a little like claiming that the circle was invented by a guy from Nebraska. My friend Andy once pointed out to me that he suspected that the "ampersand" evolved from a stylized writing of et, the Latin word for "and;" we were never able to confirm it. The word "ampersand," interestingly, comes from the phrase "& per se 'and,'" that is to say, "the symbol "&" in and of itself means the word 'and.'"

2003-10-07T11:39:00.000-04:00

THIS COULD BE THE YEAR...

Minor correction to Trout's post -- the count was actually 1-2.

I had starting writing a game summary. But let's look at some of the small things that changed the game...

Johnny Damon gets on base, and you expect him to steal. But he's not just going to run on the first pitch, especially with Nomar at bat and no outs. When Nomar failed to get on base, it brought up the left-handed hitting Todd Walker. This is important because the catcher is a right-handed thrower -- Walker would naturally be in the way of the throw without leaving the batter's box. Damon waited for a 2-1 count (when there would usually be a strike, which for Zito is his curve) and took off. Base stolen.

The Sox bullpen has done a great job. Williamson hasn't pitched 3 days in a row since coming to the Sox. He is the man, even if he walked two last night. Allan "Oh my God, please don't bring him in...wait, you're bringing him in!!!" Embree pitched well, and Timlin has been a horse. Then Lowe's pair of two-seam fastballs were just plain filthy.

The umpiring was not spectacular, but, with the exception of the home plate ump in Game 1, was at least consistent. After the 9th inning in Game 1, that ump was just calling things all over the place.

David Justice is a moron. He's a horrible color commentator. No wonder Halle Berry divorced him.

Joe Morgan is a snappy dresser. Dark gray suit, dark gray shirt with silver collar, silver tie. Slick.

And, most importantly, Steve "Psycho" Lyons did not pull his pants down.

2003-10-07T00:06:00.000-04:00

COLOR COMMENTARY DEPARTMENT:

Damn. That headline would have been perfect if I had commented on the whole Rush Limbaugh thing last week. Oh, well, I actually wanted to talk about the Red Sox.

I'm sure Creamed Salmon will have more learned and detailed commentary, so I'll leave the post-game analysis to him, but for those of you that didn't see it, I have this to say: I watch maybe one or two baseball games a year, and let me tell you, this was the one to watch. This was a fascinating game. Let's just say it came down to the bottom of the ninth, two outs, the bases loaded, a one-run difference in the score, and a full count pitch.

So there's your challenge, CS. With my having reported the coolest part, provide some commentary that will engage even our non-sports-watching, non-Boston or California-connected readers (both of them). Go!

2003-10-06T14:09:00.000-04:00

STYLE INVITATIONAL, WEEK 522

I got two mentions this week, and I'm especially proud because, according to the Czar, entries were particularly weak and he printed only those few submissions he deemed worthy of print. Perhaps even more gratifying, right after I submitted my entries, I told the notoriously stone-faced Creamed Salmon about one, and got a laugh out of him, so I knew I had done well. That one is the first listed. The second is based on an actual event that I believe I documented in this space a while back, only then it involved raspberry soda rather than hearts of palm. (I changed it for the sake of using the concept of raspberry soda for a different entry). Max Power says he made a reference to hearts of palm a while back; that may have planted the seed for the new non sequitur.

This week's challenge: Come up with an idea for hosting a "flash mob" in the DC area (I'm sure at least most of my readers are familiar with what that is. I've linked to articles about them before). For this posting, I deleted about a half-dozen entries that I didn't like that much, but that I submitted because I was following fellow SI regular contributor Elden Carnahan's advice that volume helps.

Entries that were printed:

Bring foam “We’re #1” hands, beer can hats, and air horns while watching the chess players in DuPont circle. Gather around one game, applaud each move, and after a piece gets captured, depart celebrating loudly.

Go to every Safeway in the area and buy up all the hearts of palm. Do this every week for two months and stop. See of you can get them to, like, totally order too much hearts of palm.

Entries that I liked a lot:

Stand in front of the National Labor Relations Board and sing “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad.”

Go to the Smithsonian, stand in front of Mr. Rogers’s sweater, and chant the words to “It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood” in the manner of a possessed army of zombies.

Show up at a “happening” and initiate a piece of “performance art” where everyone pretends to be at a “be-in.” Then everyone shove a trout up his or her nose.

Organize a brief protest concerning the US’s deplorable position on Freedonia, the country lead by Groucho Marx in the movie Duck Soup.

Take the personality test offered by a society that promotes a particular set of spiritual or ethical values. Collaborate on the street afterwards to try to determine which answers would have lead to the result that the test-taker is already at perfect harmony and not in need of any spiritual guidance. Then go back and take the test a second time and try to ace it.

Entries similar to better entries submitted by others:

Stand in Union Station and begin pointing and laughing, but everyone in a different direction.

Walk into a sports bar in Georgetown and ask to switch the television to “Trading Spaces.” If the bartender agrees, start discussing remodeling your apartment with the person next to you.

Go to the Middle East restaurant in Takoma Park and order the falafel sandwich. It’s really good.

Everyone join a frat, major in psychology, get a job with a private corporation in the tech industry, buy an SUV, have 2.3 children, retire, get old, and die.

Entries that I don't like that much, but you might:

Introduce HR 3103-aa, AN ACT to Promote the Vertical Propulsion of Wood and Graphite Synergistic Imprinting Devices. When Speaker of the House Hastert introduces the floor debate on the merits of the legislation, at the moment he finishes reading the title of the Bill, get all 433 Representatives to drop their pencils—at the exact same time!
Everyone bring a camera to the Washington Monument, stand in a circle around it. Aim up to take a picture of the top, and at the last second, yell “SMILE” and turn to the right, photographing the back of the head of the person next to you.
Stand on the Capitol steps and demand that a single street in the DC area be named for three great Americans—J. Edgar Hoover, J.P. Morgan, and J. D. Salinger.

Dress head to toe in white. At the appointed time, start waltzing.

Have everyone stand on the platform at the Chinatown Station, wait for a Red line Outbound train, complain into their cell phones about a long delay. When the train comes, walk out disappointed that the train wasn’t nice enough to justify the long wait.

Stand in front of the Gettysburg Address in the Lincoln Memorial and pretend to read it, but instead recite the preamble to the Constitution.

Have everyone go into the social Safeway in DC and buy a bottle or can of blue soda. Then go outside and pour it out in the parking lot, yelling “Smurf blood! Smurf blood!”

Organizing through Student Bar Associations at area law schools, get all the new JDs that are taking the written DC bar exam to drop their pencils during the exam…At the exact same time!

Stand on a Metro platform during rush hour and make the “shush” noise. See how quiet you can make it get. Try to lull the entire platform into total silence.

Submit nothing but poopy and booby jokes into the Washington Post Style Invitational, week after week. When any get printed, submit outraged letters to anonymous venues such as the Post online chats.

Stand in a receiving line in Dupont Circle. Someone at the beginning of the line pick someone who looks like they’ve had a hard day, and hand them flowers. Everyone else cheer that person, blow kisses, and applaud. Perform this service for just one person, then disperse.

2003-10-06T13:07:00.000-04:00

FUN WITH 30 POUND HEADS

The girlfriend, J, works for a non-profit organization that may have a mascot who may be a canine who may want to take a bite out of crime. That organization's national convention is coming up and includes a convention for all those who don the trenchcoated doggie's costume. And they want to have an Olympics-style contest.

Part of J's job is to come up with possible events. I suggest naked Twister, but she didn't like that idea. So here's a contest for your twisted minds -- come up with some fun events for the costumed crimefighters to compete in. All suggestions will be passed to J for actual consideration.

2003-10-06T12:26:00.000-04:00

SAY IT TOGETHER -- DVR

I pay $82 a month for cable. It's digital cable, mind you, and I've got HBO (all 12 of them), and I do have an extra box. My roommates and I split the cost, so it's reduced to under $30 each, which isn't awful, but isn't exactly cheap. At the end of last week, I decided paying another $10 a month would be a good idea, too. Why? Because I like the idea of TiVo, but don't want to spend $300+ on a box, only to pay another $12.95 a month for their subscription service.

(Plus I'd have to run another telephone wire to the box -- the last time I played with telephone wire, I sliced my finger open with a utility knife and bled all over the place. And I couldn't play golf for months.)

But Comcast, and their cable box buddies at Scientific Atlanta, have debuted the Explorer 8000. It has all the functionality of TiVo -- dual tuners, pausing live tv, rewing/fast forwarding, etc. It can store over 50 hours of video. There are only 2 things it doesn't do -- record shows it thinks you like and make that little TiVo sound. Those of you with an interest in privacy will be pleased that it doesn't report anything back to Comcast (which is why it doesn't think for you).

All in all, an excellent addition to my cable bill. And I don't even have to know how to set its clock.

2003-10-03T12:29:00.000-04:00

ONE MAN, ONE PLAUSIBLE VOTE DEPARTMENT:

Buzzflash reports that the results of the California Recall Election are pretty much a lock, because the old, unreliable, antiquated machines that were the subject of the Ninth Circuit Appellate Decision will be replaced by unreliable, security-vulnerable machines produced by companies with known political bias.

The second-largest voting machine producer, for example, is the Diebold company. According to Buzzflash, its CEO is Wally O'Dell, who recently visited George W. Bush at his Crawford ranch along with an elite group of Bush supporters called the "Rangers" and "Pioneers." Days later, he penned a letter to Ohio Republicans promising to help "deliver the votes" for Bush. O'Dell sponsored a $600,000 fund raiser for Dick Cheney in July. Diebold director W.H. Timken is also a Bush Pioneer.

It comes off like a delusional paranoid fantasy. The argument that electronic voting is a less "transparent" process, however, is not. Hand-punched cards are unreliable, but a recount to detemine error is at least somewhat meaningful, as opposed to an electronic tally, which if corrupted would not necessarily be validated by a ssecond iteration. Also, electronic networks represent a single point of failure: Inappropriate access could misreport any number of votes, rather than the few hundred that were disputed in the key districts of the 2000 election.

Read an interview with Bev Harris, author of a forthcoming book "Black Box Voting" here. For those of you that prefer your news in amusing cartoon form, check out "Total Davis Recall." By the way, does everyone get it? Candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger is a movie actor who starred in a movie called "Total Recall." Now he is a candidate in a process called a "recall election." Are we done with that one yet? C

2003-10-01T14:49:00.000-04:00

ANOTHER DAMN E-BAY POSTING DEPARTMENT:

I'm sure we've all seen plenty of blog items that imply that "Hey, people sell some really wacky stuff on e-Bay," but if you can stand one more, I was amused by this notice for the sale of an Air Guitar.

"Non omnes qui habent citharam cithaerodi sunt (Not all who own musical instruments are musicians)."

2003-09-30T16:47:00.000-04:00

ARTIFICIAL MEMES DEPARTMENT:

I've seen things. I've seen them with my eyes! I've seen things! They're often in disguise, like: carrots, handbags, cheese, toilets, Russians, planets, hamsters, weddings, poets, Stalin, Kuala Lumpur, pygmyes, budgies, Kuala Lumpur.

WARNING: NSFKTOOH

2003-09-30T16:34:00.000-04:00

CHILDREN OF THE CORN DEPARTMENT:

My office sponsors a Columbus Day day care service (partially because we don't get it off) that takes children to a nine-acre maze plowed into a cornfield, a la those crop circles. This should, for those children, combine the terror of the climactic scene of "The Shining" with the the dread provided by the setup for the movie "Signs." For me, it conjures up images of walking back and forth over nine acres in an enclosed space with only the endless view of identical cornstalks to look at. I can't imagine anything much duller. I've always loved the part of the video game where you have to navigate a maze: Nothing says "We had no better idea of how to make the game take longer to solve" than inserting a maze.

It does, however, look pretty cool from above:

2003-09-30T16:11:00.000-04:00

AHH, HIGH SCHOOL...

I was a Model UN geek in high school...ok, in college, too. I don't want to overexpose Andy Borowitz, but this article is hilarious for anyone who did this.

2003-09-30T12:22:00.000-04:00

SOX TO B.U. DEPARTMENT:

I think I'll go ahead and scoop Creamed Salmon on this Washington Post article advising baseball fans whose hometeams haven't made the playoffs to root for the wildcard BoSox. The author's assertion is that, basically, the Boston Red Sox are the hardest partiers, and that the joy in the air will be so infectious if the Sox do achieve any distinction at all in the postseason that joy, love and harmony will rule the Fenway. He also notes that a Sox-Cubs World Series--now a possibility--would necessitate breaking either one ludicrous losing streak or the other.

UPDATE: Andy Borowitz pens: "NOSTRADAMUS: Cubs, Red Sox Playoff Berths Mean End is Near."

2003-09-29T15:58:00.000-04:00

KING KONG IN THE LAND OF THE RASCAL KING DEPARTMENT:

All my homies in the Boston area, be on the lookout for Little Joe, the 300-pound gorilla who escaped from the Franklin Park Zoo this week. I'm not sure I believe it. "Escaped gorilla" is the second-oldest comedy premise in the world, right after "switching personalities." I half expect to read next week that the newly-elected mayor of Boston, Joe A. Gorilla, has passed legislation requiring all Metropolitan Transit Authority employees to "oop eek akk akk akk akk."

2003-09-29T14:56:00.000-04:00

MEMPHIS MEETS MEMPHIS DEPARTMENT:

The film Bubba-Hotep will star B-movie great Bruce Campbell (best known to me as Autolycus, the wisecracking thief from Xena: Warrior Princess) as--brace yourself--an elderly Elvis, fighting mummies with the assistance of Ossie Davis, an elderly black man who thinks he's JFK. The comic potential for Elvis impersonations is actually far more limited than the vehicles that use it give itr credit for, but if anyone can pull this off and make it amusing, it's Campbell. The film does not apparently have a major distributor, so I'll look for this at an independent theater sometime this month. Carp, if you're reading this, there's a Portland showing in a month or two. Thanks to Captain Spaulding, who has no idea who I am.

2003-09-28T22:10:00.000-04:00

STYLE INVITATIONAL, WEEK 521:

This week's challenge was the semi-regular "Hyphen the Terrible" contest. The challenge was to take any two hyphenated words from a single article in that day's Washington Post, combine the first half of one word with the second half of the other, and define the new word. As you might imagine, the contest was pretty labor-intensive. I spent a couple of hours, and only generated ten entries. Of those, I only really liked two or three. The standard, as you see, was really rather high, and the winners were quite good indeed. Judge for yourself: My entries are below.

Earli-old—Describing fads that embody retro trends but are unwilling to commit to full authenticity, like natural-fiber bell-bottoms in attractive, muted plaid patterns.

Condi-provements—Developments such as lubrication, ribs, colors, flavors, and the quality of changing color when dipped in liquid.

Condi-check—Verification of information approved by one’s national security special advisor.
Lounge-cussion—Marimbas, maracas and xylophones.

Off-onyms—Nicknames based on mishearing, like “The Velvet Frog,” “the Italian Scallion” and “il Douche.”

Fasci-stars—Divas; performers that insist on having all the green M&Ms removed from the bowl in the green room and replaced with an equal number of green Skittles.

San Franciso-utation—Plagued by a rumor concerning one’s preference for inventive, Amer-asian fusion cuisine.

Flat-alistic—Resigned to showing audible signs of having consumed broccoli casserole.

Ju-napping—Forcing someone to attend Yom Kippur services.

Demon-ment—A form of societal structure where rule is “of the hobgoblins, for the hobgoblins, by the hobgoblins.”

Formu-ulated—Howling or wailing like a tribesman of the Serengeti or Xena: Warrior Princess, but without any real innovation or new insight.

2003-09-26T11:50:00.000-04:00

IS IT ME...

My thoughts on the 10 Democrat candidates (in no particular order):

KERRY: Start emphasizing 57 varieties. It won't help much, but it's your only unique connection with the people right now.

LIEBERMAN: Stop being a crotchety old man. Every time you open your mouth, you're mean to somebody else. No one likes a meanie.

EDWARDS: Apparently you're bored, because you have nothing better to do than run a losing campaign for the presidency.

SHARPTON: Your hair has a better chance of winning without you.

MOSELEY-BRAUN: There's a reason you were sent to Samoa. Get a clue -- we didn't want you back.

CLARK: He doesn't have everything down yet. But I do know he's got cojones for standing up to the SecDef over Kosovo. I'm not putting all my eggs in his basket yet.

GEPHARDT: I get it -- you're pro-labor. So pro-labor that you're anti-free trade. Quick econ lesson -- skilled labor rates go up, costs go up, the rest of those likely to vote Democrat (the less-well off) will end up shelling out more money every year, even if you give them a tax break.

DEAN: Does Howard Dean look like a child molester when he attempts to smile?

KUCINICH:

GRAHAM: I can't even remember that he's running.

2003-09-25T15:07:00.000-04:00

FYI INFORMATION DEPARTMENT:

At my workplace, when we analze an organization's policies and practices and compare them to Federal standards or some other governing principle, we refer to it as a "GAP analysis process." It's always capitalized like that, which raises the question "What does GAP stand for"? After a brief poll, I'm pretty sure that GAP stands for "Gap Analysis Process." Or perhaps "GAP Analysis Process," which raises the possibility of an infinite recursion which makes my head spin to even contemplate.

Challenged to identify whether there was a literary term to describe this kind of construction, I proposed "fractalism," "recursive phrase," "embedded redundancy" and "internal tautology." Having been informed that further research was necessary, I came across a web page devoted to phrases that include the acronym. It refers to these constructions as "RAP Phrases" (Redundant Acronym Phrases), which (obviously) is itself a RAP phrase. The internal reference of a term to descibe internal reference presents a meta-construction worthy of Douglas Hofstadter (give me some props if you know the reference), so obviously it trumps all my proposed terms.
In conducting this research (which took lest time than composing this posting), I also came across this glossary of literary terms. I didn't find any of these classical literary term that adequately described the phenomenon, suggesting (as I suspect is the case) that RAP phrases are a relatively modern liguistic construction. There are, however, some beautiful and interesting terms here, some of which kind of, but not exactly, capture the concept. Enjoy.

2003-09-24T15:39:00.000-04:00

A THREAT TO OUR NATIONAL SECURITY

Last night, I discovered a threat so sinister that it made me angry. It was something so simple, so subtle, as to almost go unnoticed. This has clearly been carefully orchestrated by those who would do us harm.

That's right, my friends -- the greater Bailey's Crossroads area of Virginia is completely out of cilantro.

I just wanted to make a simple pico de gallo to go with the steak fajitas I had planned on making for dinner. So I stopped at the market with the better vegetable and meat selection -- Harris Teeter. Two different labels for cilantro -- but in its place were radishes and parsley. I even asked the attendant, who told me it couldn't be had.

But it's not pico de gallo without cilantro. So I tried Giant. Again, nothing! Bins overflowing with parsley, but no cilantro in sight.

Something about this doens't smell quite right -- and it's not just because I was forced to use dried cilantro.

By the way, I highly recommend Stonewall Kitchen's Maple Chipotle Grille Sauce. Just enough sweet from the maple syrup combined with just enough spice. Great for any meat. I also recommend a trip to Stonewall Kitchen if you're in the area of York, Maine.

2003-09-23T10:03:00.000-04:00

STYLE INVITATIONAL, WEEK 520:

No ink, my entries weren't that funny, and neither were the ones that got printed, three of which used jokes similar to the ones I submitted. That is all.

2003-09-22T21:37:00.000-04:00

CAN'T KEEP A GOOD FISH DOWN DEPARTMENT:

Thanks to a benefactor who may wish to remain anonymous (it was VikingZen), I am now the proud owner of a precious, rare Haloscan account! You may comment below.

The only downside of VZ's munificence is that to log into the Haloscan site, I need to use the username of the spare account. Not to repay her generosity with mockery, but she got the account to use on the blog she was planning that would have recounted the daily adventures of her cat. My username for that account is her cat's name, and before I changed the link below--the one that now says "Does anyone have anything to say" or whatever I put there--it said "Scratch behind my ear: (0)".

Obviously, this was not a tenable state of affairs for a piscine-pseudonomynous dialectic.

Much thanks, VZ, may you and "Catfish" receive fitting karma for your altruism.

2003-09-17T11:15:00.000-04:00

FUNNY STUFF

If Jon Stewart does not win an Emmy for his work with The Daily Show, it's a travesty. He does all the simple things right. The excerpt below from a recent interview with Kate Beckinsale (about her new movie, "Underworld") made me laugh out loud.

Beckinsale: "So they have guns that have ultraviolet light in the bullets."
Stewart: "Sons of bitches."

2003-09-15T12:03:00.000-04:00

HIS NIBS, THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF DEPARTMENT:

The following anecdote appeared in a compendium of comments inspired by the circulation of the term "sui generis" on the Word-A-Day listserv I subscribe to. I have no way to confirm the identity of the author or the authenticity of his claim:

From: Angus MacLean Thuermer (thuermer_a@mediasoft.net)
Subject: Re: A.Word.A.Day--sui generis

When George Bush Sr. became head of CIA, I was his press officer. I sat in on the "Morning Meeting." On the first or second day, I was commenting on his previous position as the representative of the United States in communist China, where he was neither an ambassador nor not an ambassador.

"George," (everything was very informal), "you were neither an ambassador nor not an ambassador; you were so unique, I suppose they served you chop sui generis."

All the Harvard, Heidelberg and Oxbridge graduates at the table had a chuckle. I am not sure his excellency got it.

2003-09-15T10:09:00.000-04:00

STYLE INVITATIONAL, WEEK 519:

This week marks my first-ever "First Runner Up" in this thing. I've won twice, which is nice, but being a first-runner up has a specific benefit: The first runner up, and only the first runner up, wins the coveted "Style Invitational Loser Ball-point Pen." I'm thrilled, of course.

The challenge for Week 519 was to come up with a pick-up line specific to the Washington, D.C. area. My first-runner up entry is listed first, followed by an entry that earned me an honorable mention. An interesting side note: The third listed entry was also submitted by someone else, only theirs was more elegantly executed.

Hey babe, why are you wasting your time with an Assistant under a Deputy Secretary, when you could be with ME, a Deputy Assistant Undersecretary?

Your basement-level, Adams Morgan $1600 per month studio-efficiency-rathole, or mine?

If you’d care to go to dinner, I’m prepared to file a Notification of Intention to Pursue an Interpersonal Relationship with a Person or Persons of Influence in Corporate Matters. I’ll just need you to co-sign.

Everyone in this town is a self-involved phony with a line of crap so transparent that a child could see through it, except for you who I can clearly see are a person of charm, wit, integrity, and the Beauty of the Goddess Pallas Athene from atop the frieze of the Elgin Marbles. Another Pinot Grigio?

I’ve just been analyzing the economic forecast for 2004 through 2010, and it says that economic opportunities for young college graduates, even those with the advantages of attractiveness and professional grooming, will depend on the ability to develop connections and mentorship with established professionals. Can I buy you a drink?

Want a ride in my SUV? I’ll warn you ahead of time, that stands for “Supersonic Unclassified Velociraptor,” and it’s still in Beta testing for Northrup Grumman.

My nonprofit has determined that global warming and contamination of the water table will make the planet uninhabitable for humans by closing time at this bar. Want to come to my place?

2003-09-11T13:43:00.000-04:00

A SHORT STORY...

This is very long, and I apologize for that. I hadn't intended it to run on for so long, but I found there was too much that had to be included. I've told this story to some folks, but I've never sat down to write it out before. So, for what it's worth, this is my story...

On September 11, 2001, I wasn't in the place where I was attempting to buy a home -- Arlington, VA. Nor was I in my home state of Massachusetts. Five days earlier, I had left for a 9-day canoe trip on the Allagash Wilderness Waterway. Though I have probably spent over a thousand miles in a canoe, this was just my second time on the Allagash. And it was my only real vacation that summer.

If you've never been (and I'll assume most of you haven't), look at a map of Maine sometime -- it's an enormous amount of land, most of which is uninhabited. This is an area where there is no light to block a nighttime viewing of thousand of stars, satellites zipping across the sky, and the Milky Way itself. The Waterway gets a fair amount of travelers -- at least a few hundred a season -- but you can go an entire week without seeing anyone except a ranger or two.

The group I go with is made up of former Scouts and leaders from my old Scout troop. My father, uncle, and their friends are the core group. And there are no others I would rather travel with -- they pride themselves on not having a trip leader. There are cigars, pistachios, some whiskey, a good amount of friendly ribbing, and loud, late-night card games. A few months prior to our trip, one of their friends (and also a former Scout leader of mine) had succumbed to cancer. So, to honor him, they brought a small tree from his yard -- one he had brought back from these woods several years back -- to replant along the Waterway. The site had been chosen before our departure -- one of the best sites on the trip, a small cliff overlooking Round Pond.

Tuesday morning, we left camp early and paddled for four or five hours, arriving at the site around 2pm. Wednesday was a rest day for us, so we set up camp and settled in, breaking out snacks, coffee, and our sleeping bags for afternoon naps.

At about 4pm, the ranger stopped by the campsite. He had installed a new outhouse, and wanted to check to see if he had left his saw there. He wandered up to the latrine and returned a few minutes later, then stopped to chat with us. After about 20 minutes, it occurred to him to ask us if we had heard what had happened. That planes had been crashed into both the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. That stopped us cold -- but had little other information for us, only that he had been told to stay in his cabin for 2 hours that morning before going about his regular duties on the Waterway.

The other nine, almost to a man, asked if I knew anyone that would be at the Pentagon. Fortunately, no one that I knew was working there. A few, including my father, had brought small radios, but we were far from any strong broadcasts. The only available stations were both based in Montreal, and, thus, were broadcasting in French. It was quite a surreal experience for me -- of the ten, I was the only one capable of understanding the newscasters.

Information was coming in so quickly that after first trying to translate and listen at the same time, I had to stop and listen for 10 minutes at a time, then boil it down and give the rest the information. It had been 2 years since I had been in Belgium for a semester in college, so I was not used to the rapidity of the information. So it came in bits and pieces.

We had a satellite phone with us, in case of emergency. So we placed 2 phone calls, both to wives of others in the group. They were just on the good side of hysterical, and the only information we were able to get was that some of the hijackers had come from Portland's airport and changed plans in Boston.

We planted Earl's tree there. And said a prayer -- as ten men who don't regularly go to church do. It was a little rough, but it did what it needed to do. Someone had a small flag, the kind that go on the graves of veterans on Memorial Day. It seemed right to leave it with Earl's tree, planted in the ground just next to it. We took a picture of the ten of us that day, with the tree and the flag at center. It was our last picture with Earl.

We didn't see another soul until Friday, when we pulled off the river a day early due to low water. We were on the Canadian border by this point, at Fort Kent, a small town with the only border crossing for hours. We sat in a small hamburger joint, with only that day's Maine paper for information. A little further along the road, we stopped at a general store, where we were able to get Wednesday and Thursday's papers. And that was the first place I saw it -- the video of the planes flying into the towers.

We got to whatever city it was we stayed in Friday night -- a chain motel, USA Today, and CNN. And I was finally able to call my roommate, Mike, from my cell. He told me my mother had called him Tuesday night. That there were humvees on the streets of Washington. That it took him hours to get home from work.

We took hot showers to wash off the grime of a week in the woods. Used real shampoo instead of the biodegradable Dr. Bronner's 17-in-1 soap. Brushed our teeth with running water for the first time in a week. We devoured every word in the USA Today and could not take our eyes off of CNN. And then went to Bugaboo Creek for steak and beer. And we ate and drank and laughed, just as we always had.

We returned to Worcester at noontime on Saturday. My mother and sister picked us up, and we drove to my parents' house. Along many of the streets, every house had an American flag. It stirred something inside me that I still can't sort out -- it was some combination of pride, brotherhood, and the belief that everything would be all right. After giving it some thought, that is my idea of patriotism.

My flight back to National had been cancelled, along with all the others for months. I had assumed all the other flights to Dulles and BWI would be full, as 4 days had passed. So we made plans to take my sister's car back to DC, then return a few weeks later, when it would be easier to get a flight back. But instead, I was rebooked easily onto a flight to Philly that connected to Dulles.

Arriving at the airport 3 hours ahead of my flight time, I had to force my mother to leave, insisting that there was no good she could do by being in the airport. So she left, unhappy with me, but it was something I had to do. And a couple hours later, I got on a plane to DC. It wasn't hard for me to do, but I saw others who were not so sure. I landed at Dulles, Mike picked me up, and we went home. And I went back to work the next day.

Earl's tree is still standing. Others from our group have gone back to the Allagash in the past two years and confirmed this -- I haven't had the opportunity yet. The flag is still there, as well. Not the same one, but travelers on these waterways cross paths all the time and learn about these things. Once something is established, it rarely disappears.

------
Postscript...

I still feel detached from those of you who actually saw this happen, or were stranded by it, or felt the loss of a loved one, or even watched it unfold from the safety of your suburban living room. I have visited the Smithsonian's exhibit, and I feel the sadness and the strength, but I also feel like somewhat of an outsider. When my children and grandchildren read about this in school, I will have little to tell them. Though I will never forget the conversation with that ranger, it is something I share with only 9 other people, not the other millions of you for whom this became your reality for days. My reality was paddling another 15 miles to return to a world that was not the same as when I left it.

2003-09-09T17:51:00.000-04:00

POWER OUTAGE DEPARTMENT:

Max Power will no longer be posting at Max Power. Not on a regular basis, anyway. I'm saddened. True, I often disagree with him quite strongly; I also think he can occasionally be antagonistic or dismissive. But there's no doubting his wit and brilliance, and it was nice to see him writing in a more creative venue. Those of us that followed his early career have missed reading his stuff.

I'm flattered that he considered passing on the Max Power mantle, and apparently gave me a fleeting thought as a successor, but there's no way I could have done it. Max's consumption of news and information is voracious, and his powers of analysis unequaled. It would be like when they switched Darrens on Bewitched. Maxpower.nu would never have recovered.

Max, do keep us updated as to your postings elsewhere.

2003-09-09T17:41:00.000-04:00

ODOR EATERS DEPARTMENT:

FOr my entire life I've been hearing that if you eat asparagus, your urine will smell funny. Oddly enough, I'd never noticed it. Which is not to say I ever went out of my way to check, but if it's noticable enough that there's a cultural "meme" about it, why would I have to go to any special effort? Added to this mystery is the fact that I'd never heard the topic discussed in my parents' house. And I don't know what kind of impression this blog has goiven you about my early home life, but let me assure you, it would have come up.

So last night I'm reading a book by Gene Weingarten, the WaPo humorist, and he reports that not everyone has the ability to smell that smell! And because it's genetic, it's no longer a surprise that no one else in my family ever commented on it.

I was told today at lunch that it's not an unpleasant smell, just stong and oddly industrial, like paint thinner. This observation lead to a discussion as to whether my inability to smell a particular odor means I'm "disabled." I believe this inability is actually an evolutionary advantage: I am able to survive in asparagus-chemical urine intensive enviroments for extensive periods! How can that be a bad thing? Not that I want to live in ANY urine-intensive environment, but if I ever need to, that option is open. So I can live more places that most people! Even if it's not a long-term engagement, there may be advantages. I could rescue kittens, for example, trapped behind certain bushes that you can't!

I also feel absolved. If I've never smelled the smell, it's possible I've been oblivious to imposing it on someone else. Let me just say for the record, If I've ever imposed the odor of my asparagus-influenced discharge on anyone, I'm sorry, but I can't be held fully resposible. I'm incapacitated. I bear only limited liability.

On second thought, what were you doing smelling my urine in the first place?!?

2003-09-08T11:20:00.000-04:00

ALL THAT'S LEFT IS THE WIND DEPARTMENT:

Warren Zevon died today. I was a fan. I'm not excessively maudlin about it, but I feel a loss. Zevon was one of the performers I listened to when I was at the age when listening to music is a big part of your life, so his songs were the ones I was hearing at certain significant periods of my life. He was probably overrated. He played straightforward 70's-era rock and roll, and never pushed the envelope too far. But Bruce Springsteen, among others, succeeded more without producing anything more innovative.

For those that didn't know, he produced one last album before he died, called "The Wind." It's gotten reviews more respectful but glowing, but appears to be a solid addition to his catalogue. I think I'll pick it up. I'll let you know what I think.

2003-09-05T22:36:00.000-04:00

SCIUNCE IN THE BUSH ADMENSTRUATION DIPARTMENT:

See below an excerpt from a report prepared for Representative Henry Waxman entitled "Politics and Science in the Bush Administration." A fascinating read.

The American people depend upon federal agencies to promote scientific research and to develop science-based policies that protect the nation’s health and welfare. Historically these agencies—such as the National Institutes of Health, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and the Environmental Protection Agency—have had global reputations for science excellence.

Recently, however, leading scientific journals have begun to question whether scientific integrity at federal agencies has been sacrificed to further a political and ideological agenda. As the editor of Science wrote earlier this year, there is growing evidence that the Bush Administration “invades areas once immune to this kind of manipulation.”

At the request of Rep. Henry A. Waxman, this report, Politics and Science in the Bush Administration, finds numerous instances where the Administration has manipulated the scientific process and distorted or suppressed scientific findings. Beneficiaries include important supporters of the President, including social conservatives and powerful industry groups. These actions go far beyond the typical shifts in policy that occur with a change in the political party occupying the White House. Thirteen years ago, President George H.W. Bush stated that “[n]ow more than ever, on issues ranging from climate change to AIDS research…government relies on the impartial perspective of science for guidance.” Today, President George W. Bush’s Administration has skewed this impartial perspective, generating unprecedented criticism from the scientific community and even from prominent Republicans who once led federal agencies.

The Administration's political interference with science has led to misleading statements by the President, inaccurate responses to Congress, altered web sites, suppressed agency reports, erroneous international communications, and the gagging of scientists. The subjects involved span a broad range, but they share a common attribute: the beneficiaries of the scientific distortions are important supporters of the President, including social conservatives and powerful industry groups.

The report goes on to list over twenty topics in relation to which the Bush Administration has distorted or suppressed scientific opinion. These have included abstinence education, condom use, global warming, missile defense, and wetlands policy.

2003-09-05T16:40:00.000-04:00

YOUR CHILDREN TEACH THEM WELL YOU SHOULD DEPARTMENT:

LUKE: Is the dark side stronger?

YODA: No... no... no. Quicker, easier, more seductive.

LUKE: But how am I to know the good side from the bad?

YODA: You will know. When you are calm, at peace. Passive. A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.

LUKE: But tell me why I can't...

YODA (interrupting): No, no, there is no why. Nothing more will I teach you today. Clear your mind of questions. Mmm. Mmmmmmmm.

2003-08-26T21:46:00.000-04:00

SNOTTY SPOILED RICH KIDS ARE...ALSO FUNNY DEPARTMENT:

From the damned Harvard Lampoon comes this interview with Greedo, the space alien Han Solo killed in the Mos Eisley Bar in Star Wars. Yes, this is yet another piece of Star Wars humor. You like it! Don't lie to me, and don't lie to yourself!

HARVARD LAMPOON: Welcome. So, is it true that you are the greediest space alien of all time?

GREEDO: No, why would...? Ah, perhaps you have been misled by my name. While my name is indeed Greedo, I think you will find I am no greedier than anyone else. I am a man of modest means and meager salary, but I assure you I am content with my lot in life.

HARVARD LAMPOON: We saw you in Star Wars trying to collect lots of money from Han Solo. Do you go around trying to collect big sums of money because of incredibly consuming feelings of greed?

GREEDO: Of course not. While it is true that I am a collection agent in the employ of Jabba the Hutt, I only see that debts are paid. The money does not go to me. Besides, my culture abolished money thousands of your Earth years ago. Frankly, I don't even understand the concept. We find your custom of using scraps of paper to represent wealth laughable.

HARVARD LAMPOON: Now in that scene you had a gun. Didn't Han Solo have to draw his own gun under the table because he knew if you saw it you would want it too? Isn't wanting two guns just plain greedy?

GREEDO: Ahem. Let me refresh your memory. Han Solo drew that gun surreptitiously because he wanted to shoot me. Which he did, a very painful laser blast in the belly. I do have to hand it to him, it was a very crafty move. I never even saw it coming. However, what I wish Mr. Solo and others like him would realize is that I'm only trying to do my job. Shooting me under the table with a laser is like blaming the weather man when it rains. I'd like to stress to your readers: it's not really my fault if there is a large bounty on your head. Please do not take it out on me.

HARVARD LAMPOON: Weren't you mad that your part in the movie was so small? Out of greediness for fame, isn't it true that you wanted to hog all the screen time and change the title of the movie to Star Wars Starring Greedo?

GREEDO: In fact, no. I am an admittedly minor figure and am happy with the relatively large role I was given. I'll never forget the day Mr. Lucas "discovered" me while I was doing my volunteer work at the Tatooine Orphanage Soup Kitchen. Just having been involved with one of the greatest blockbusters of all time is reward enough. I still get butterflies every time I see the film. It's just unreal to think, "That's me up there!"

HARVARD LAMPOON: With a name like Greedo, you sure must be greedy!

GREEDO: Please, I did not choose my name. It has been difficult enough to live with its perjorative connotations. Please do not make things worse.

HARVARD LAMPOON: But your skin is green, which is a word that's very close to greed.

GREEDO: That was a very impolite remark.

HARVARD LAMPOON: Are you hungry? Would you like to greedily wolf down 500 space hamburgers?

GREEDO: Why are you doing this?

HARVARD LAMPOON: Hey, what's your brother's name? Selfisho?

GREEDO: Leave my brother out of this.

HARVARD LAMPOON: Thank you for taking the time to talk to us, greedy.

GREEDO: Damn you.

2003-08-24T18:21:00.000-04:00

STYLE INVITATIONAL WEEK 516:

Two mentions, including my first runner-up of the year! The challenge was to come up with the worst possible thing to say to one of six individuals.

My honorable mention entry appears first (beginning "Your honor--I have of late") and my runner-up entry is the first listed under bad things to say to Saint Peter.

1. At traffic court.

Your honor--I have of late—but wherefore I know not—lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercises; and indeed, it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory. Can you cut me a little slack?

I couldn’t have been speeding! My car won’t even GO faster than 75 miles an hour!

Isn’t it true that if the cop doesn’t show up, I don’t have to admit attempted vehicular homicide?

Your honor, YOU try reading every last “Wrong Way” sign after a dozen Pina Coladas, and see how well YOU do.

Obstruction! Calls for a colostomy! Heh heh heh. I’ve always wanted to say that.

2. In a job interview.

Your interns aren’t all total bowzers, are they?

I’m completely psychotic. Sorry—I mean “proactive.” I’m proactively psychotic.

Will I have to make coffee for anyone? Because I believe coffee erodes the shakras to create vast negative energy.

My unindicted powers of analism should be oblivious to even the most causal of oversighters.

Where do I see myself in five years…Five years…Yes, it’s becoming clear to me: I have a vision of myself standing over your broken body, my boot pressed firmly onto your chest while you plead for mercy. I’m sorry, what was the question?

My one weakness? I’d have to say excessive drunkenness. But never on the job, only beginning immediately afterwards and continuing until I lose consciousness on the couch, or more frequently, the barroom floor.

My greatest work-related frustration? That would be people who are too lazy to come up with interesting interview questions that are actually intended to develop some insight into my personality, abilities, and intelligence. Why?

3. To a waiter.

What’s on the blueplate special, aside from your greasy thumbs?

Hustle up on that order, honey, and remember—anchovies make me break out in painful oozing butt-pustules, so pay a little attention to what gets on that pizza, got it Sweetie?

4. To a car salesman.

How much airspace is there in the trunk?

5. To Saint Peter.

It’s a pleasure to finally meet you! And how are Mrs. Claus and all the elves?

Jesus Christ, how many Commandments was I supposed to take seriously?!

Shabbat Shalom! Are you here for minyan?

Could you do me a favor and hold my wallet? I’d hate to see it get lost, because I’ve got a couple hundred dollars in it—or maybe I don’t, if you catch my drift.

You know, I thought you’d look more like Robert Duvall.

2003-08-24T18:14:00.000-04:00

RE-EMERGENCE DEPARTMENT:

Hello to my fans, if I have any left. Here's the deal. My job has taken a sharp turn towards the stressful, and I am not 100% not able to blog from work, even to post anything I've written at home, as was my usual practice. I will continue to blog as often as I can, but I am now well on my way to having this become a less-frequent activity than it has been, and less frequent than I would like it to be.

If anyone is interested in continuing to read, for the rest of the summer, at least, you may want to make it a weekly practice rather than a daily.

Sama, Kev, Fred, Max P, my apologies to all of you, but I haven't been reading your blogs, either. I'll dig into your archives some afternoon soon.

Salmon, Carp, please continue to post as often as you like.

I CONTINUE to try and get a Haloscan account, but Squawkbox's little stunt has caused overflow that Haloscan is unable to accomnodate. After six attempts, I've been unable to sign up with them. I'll keep at it.

2003-08-19T10:21:00.000-04:00

PAUL NEWMAN IS...FUNNY

Now this is true satire -- Paul Newman on the girlfight between Fox News and Al Franken.

2003-08-14T10:10:00.000-04:00

A REAL CLASSIC

Happy 50th birthday to one of the greatest inventions of the century. Growing up, it allowed us all to be Phil Neikro, Sandy Koufax, and Fernando Valenzuela. And, most importantly, without the Tommy John surgery.

The Wiffle Ball.

Many summer days were spent with 3 or 4 friends and the familiar yellow bat, hitting home runs and throwing sinkers, risers, and nasty curveballs.

And it's still a family-owned business. Check out the NY Times article.

2003-08-13T16:33:00.000-04:00

A Poem to Share

Sitting at a sidewalk cafe (OK, it was a bar with tables outside but I was eating dinner) in Corvallis, OR last week, I read this poem which was inexplicably posted nearby on what looked like a big marquis sign of a defunct movie theater. I really liked something about it. It had no title.

If I had not gone
against your advice,
if I had not dipped
into my summer savings
to buy this '72 Buick,
I would not have learned
how to take up space.

-- Pam Steele

2003-08-12T17:14:00.000-04:00

DAMNED IF YOU DOO DEPARTMENT:

Least intriguing "teaser" headline I've ever seen on MSN.com: "Diarrhea: Cancer Foe?"

2003-08-12T15:46:00.000-04:00

ICHTHYOID OF THE YEAR DEPARTMENT:

I wish I could say that I watched “Woman of the Year” in honor of Katherine Hepburn’s recent passing, but the truth is I watched it just because it finally became available through Netflix, and it’s one of the last few movies on my “AFI 100 Laughs” list. I did, in fact, laugh out loud in spots. In one funny scene, John Craig (Spencer Tracy) is trapped onstage while celebrated intellectual Tess Harding (Hepburn) delivers a speech on women’s equality. Already conspicuous as the only male in the room, he inadvertently upstages Harding, first by failing to locate the opening to the curtain and make an exit, then by roughly sidling his way onto a chair onstage, and finally by dropping all the matches in a box. His self mocking curtsy as he exits the stage is a sheepish acknowledgment of his relative coarseness.

At once intellectual and flighty, competent and unversed, Harding is something of a paradox. Nevertheless, she falls for Tracy and he for her (as they must in a movie like this) and the two are married. Only giants like Tracy and Hepburn could possibly make their abbreviated romance seem plausible. The rushed nature of their courtship, however, is not necessarily a plot flaw: it predicts the nature of their relationship and marriage, and the strain shows within weeks.

Later, Harding, sees the error of her workaholic, dilettantish lifestyle. She attempts to demonstrate her instantaneous transformation to domesticity by making Craig breakfast. Hepburn underplays the slapstick of classic gags like unfamiliarity with handling eggs and adding the wrong ingredients to batter, and so the scene builds more slowly than anything you’re likely to see produced in this century. It also unfolds in complete silence, like a pantomime, and with nothing to listen to, the viewer must remain intent on the action. What unfolds is delicious. Hepburn’s character is not Lucy Ricardo or Laura Petrie, and despite simultaneous calamities, she’s determined not to surrender or admit her incompetence. When Hepburn catches the piece of toast launched by an overly-effective toaster spring mechanism, she does it with the brisk confidence and aplomb of a woman who has a sharp learning curve and knows it.

“Woman of the Year” tried to have it both ways: Hepburn’s Harding is both strong and weak, brilliant and ditsy, right and wrong. The movie is admittedly more sympathetic to Tracy’s character, but Craig is no chauvinist: he's impressed with Harding's brilliance and charm as well as her beauty. The closest the movie ever comes to taking a position on the burgeoning women’s movement, though, is to imply that there’s a compromise to made between work and home, hardly a radical proposition then or now. Perhaps, just as “Tom Sawyer” needs to be read as “progressive for its time,” you can watch “Woman of the Year” as an attempt to make incursions toward women’s equality. In any case, it’s fun to watch Katherine Hepburn play the kind of regal, haughty character we knew she was in real life.

2003-08-12T10:07:00.000-04:00

RIDICULOUS (TM)

Al Franken is attempting to sell a book he has entitled, "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right." Frankly, I couldn't care less. I'm not likely to read it.

But Fox News wants it quashed. Their reason? They trademarked "Fair & Balanced" in 1995. Did Fox News create the term "fair and balanced?" I doubt it.

I have no problem with trademarking an actual catchphrase. GE's "We Bring Good Things to Life." Or Michael Buffer's "Let's get ready to rrrrrruuuuummmmmbbblllleee!!!" Those are fine.

But it has to stop somewhere...

2003-08-07T11:44:00.000-04:00

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE (AGAIN)

I have called this press conference to announce my withdrawal from the race for the governorship of California.

It was only after much thought and deliberation that this decision was taken. I believe that I could have done right by the people of this great state.

However, the entrance of two particular candidates into this race made me realize that my credentials were just not as strong as theirs. The first has entertained you for decades. And he is the only man to whose inauguration I would have to wear a plastic sheet. That's right, let's see what Gallagher and his Sledge-o-matic can do to that $38 billion deficit.

The second is a former security guard. But you know him better as the least screwed up kid from "Diff'rent Strokes." This man was once on top of the world. And while the loss of fame and fortune crippled those other two kids (and I honestly don't know what happened to that Sam kid), Gary stuck it out.

I leave the fate of California in your hands.

2003-08-06T13:46:00.000-04:00

YOU'RE SO VAIN

You probably thought I was going to write about Carly Simon telling who that song is about.

But, no, this is even better...

The frequent Botox card! Yes, for every 4 visits to the Harley Medical Group, you get the 5th anti-wrinkle injection FREE! Only available in the UK and Ireland.

2003-08-06T10:19:00.000-04:00

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE TODAY

I would like to announce my candidacy for the governorship of California. Yes, it is true that I am not currently a resident of California. And it is also true that I am not currently in California. And, finally, it is true that I have never even been to California. But I have always felt I belong in California. Therefore, I feel it is in the best interests of both myself and the people of the great state of California that I put my name on the ballot and allow you wonderful people to elect me to this post.

I'm sure that many of you question why a complete California outsider like myself would step into the middle of such a race. I'll tell you why -- because I am your best option.

Consider, for a moment:

- I enjoy pornography, but am not, myself, a pornographer
- I enjoy foreign food and films, but am not, myself, a foreigner
- And, possibly most importantly, I am not married to a Kennedy.

You may ask what I know about California, having never even set foot on Pacific Coast soil. Or what my credentials in areas of public policy are, so I will briefly lay them out for you:

- Public Safety/Law Enforcement -- No one watched more reruns of CHiPs than I did. It's high time to bring it back, to show the world how seriously California takes its public safety responsibilities. I believe that a new CHiPs series will make criminals think twice about committing their crimes in this great state.

- Budget deficit -- I'd start by upping the fee for entry into recall elections. The $3500 I'm paying to be in this race is ridiculously low. I would also be willing to consider annexing the most profitable parts of Nevada that lie near the California-Nevada state line -- places like Lake Tahoe resorts and Reno. And, thirdly, I would charge ridiculous sums to drive up and down the PCH -- yuppies will pay anything to drive their Beemers.

- Healthcare, transportation, taxes, any other issues -- I will leave any other areas to my trusted cadre of top policy makers, which will include individuals from industry who have acted as executives in these areas but have never actually held a position directly related to their delivery. They will tell me what to do, and I will nod my head and say, "Sounds good to me, let's go with it." While they do the work, I will be touring the state -- visiting the beaches of southern California, the local wine industry in Napa Valley, and the state's other cultural institutions, such as the Ducks and Angels.

If you like what you've heard today, go out and vote. If you don't, go out and vote anyway. And if any of you are out of work and would like to serve as a key confidant in my administration, leave your resume on the back table as you exit.

2003-08-04T18:42:00.000-04:00

STYLE INVITATIONAL, WEEK 513:

I submitted 29 suggestions for e-mail subject lines that recipients would delete immediately, but only got one mention. Twenty-eight of those suggestions appear below (One was too vulgar even for me, and in retrospect I should have deleted it before sending it). As usual, I will list the published entry first, but it's interesting to note that in my original submission, I listed it last. Hunh. Then I will list four jokes I made that someone else also submitted--Not surprising, considering the nature of the challenge, but I liked my versions better.

Understanding submission number 2 requires you to know that it describes the "prize" being offered for winning first place.

Check for me: Is this attachment a virus?

Where do I mail your colorectal awareness tie?

Removal from the “Do Not Call” list, CHEAP!!

YOUNG TEENS!! Help judge their 4H Club Projects!!

These are more or less “funny”….

Washington Post HOME SUBSCRIPTIONS

Want to reconnect with the cool kids from Junior High?

Wildmon Group needs YOUR HELP watching Disney films frame by frame!

Too tall? CONSIDER LASER HEIGHT REDUCTION SURGERY!!

***SMALL PENIS? Find SUPPORT GROUPS in YOUR AREA!!***

I am much for seeking your assistance, sUcKER1…

Spay or neuter your pet at home!!

I saw these “knock-knock” jokes and thought of you!!!!

IMPORTANT—SARS being spread by a POPULAR FOOD PRODUCT OF SOME KIND!

Save the Snipe!

Protest Unlicensed Hunting of Geese, Ducks, and Skeet

Yes, another good cause asking you for money, BUT…

Hello, my name is John D. Rockefeller, of Standard Oil!!

Suspected Gay and Lesbian Registry Website—Enter names and addresses now!

Tell me your credit card number, and I will tell you your FUTURE

Hemorrhoid Sufferers, Relief is Available Now!!

WARNING!!!! Urban Myths about Iraq having WMD circulating on the Web!!

Pictures of Madonna, NUDE!!

Receive offers of better long distance service, over the phone you have now!!

Discrete Structures of Integral Calculus Brainteasers

1910’s Pop Culture Trivia Quiz!

You may ALREADY HAVE WON a COROLLA!!

Racist, vulgar, and possibly criminal, but really funny!

2003-08-04T18:31:00.000-04:00

COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT:

Damn lousy Squawkbox.

In case you haven't noticed, the comment service I use is no longer available. The deal is that it after a certain amount of time--six months, I guess--it tells you that you no longer have access unless you pay. They do not make this fact obvious on the website where you sign up, so it's a bait and switch, and I'm not paying $20 just to get my review of Matrix 2 back, so the hell with it.

I'll get something else in place ASAP, but meanwhile please don't hesitate to e-mail me if you have anything interesting to add.

2003-07-31T12:21:00.000-04:00

SOMEBODY SLAP THIS CHICK UPSIDE THE HEAD, PLEASE...

A PETA employee in Norfolk, VA has legally changed her name from Karin Robertson to GoVeg.com. This girl's parents obviously didn't do their job in beating the misplaced-belief structure out of her as a kid. I mean, get real. This is far worse than all those "Free Burma" kids I wanted to beat the crap out of in college.

My kids will 1) be force-fed red meat as soon as they have the teeth to grind it up; and 2) work real-world jobs from the time they're 16, so that they don't have ridiculous ideas floating in their heads, like this girl.

2003-07-31T09:06:00.000-04:00

HOW THINGS LOOK FOR THE FISH DEPARTMENT:

From the Onion Horoscopes...

Pisces (Feb. 19—March 20): Your fear that "your family doesn't care about you anymore" is incorrect. The proper phrasing is "your family no longer cares about you."

2003-07-31T08:31:00.000-04:00

STRAIGHT NEWS STORIES DEPARTMENT:

By the time you read these words, I will be resignedly disgusted. Obliquely referring to all homosexuals as "sinners," Bush announced yesterday that he believes "marriage is [a legal and social arrangement] between a man and a woman" and acknowledged that the White House has "lawyers looking at the best way to do that."

The fact that he has lawyers investigating the issue acknowledges that no matter what he does, gays will marry. He and other bigots may not call it that, but gay couples will continue to live together, offer emotional and financial support to each other, in many cases raise children together, and remain committed to each other.

I don't know why I'm bothering to post this. I have no original insight or bon mot. It just bugs me that the idea of spouting bigoted garbage couched in language that is not openly hostile or threatening is acceptable.

And what bugs me more than that is that I've lost the passion to be more than just annoyed.

2003-07-30T19:02:00.000-04:00

CULTURAL LOWLIGHTS DEPARTMENT:

About eight years ago, VikingZen and I were in a used bookstore. The owner had a yappy little dog maybe a foot long named "Hamlet."

"Good name for him..." I began.

"No," interrupted VZ, "He is not a great Dane."

That was my line, dammit. I still haven't forgiven her for that.

2003-07-29T13:24:00.000-04:00

GIVING AN F-ING TOP NOTCH EFFORT

This is one public defender who is does not take his job lightly. His client stood accused of cursing out the principal, employing the F word -- which resulted in a charge of interfering with the staff, faculty, or students of an educational institution.

This link is a 7 page legal brief defending the actions of the individual, including the societal merits of the F word. Of particular interest is paragraph 24, which describes some places where it is appropriate (Florida Elections Commission, speed eating contests, public defender offices), and where it is not (weddings, Chuck-E-Cheese, and district attorneys offices).

2003-07-29T08:35:00.000-04:00

NEWS FLASH DEPARTMENT:

Yahoo! [sic] News today reports on Flash Mobs, a phenomenon nowhere near common enough yet to represent a trend, but too common to be dismissed as an incident. While nowhere nearly as titillating as the name implies, "flash mobs" are broad, romantic gestures perpetrated by a group of near-strangers. My favorite incident was the first described: about 200 people, responding to an e-mail solicitation, show up at Central Park, chant "nature" for a few minutes, and then disperse.

My close friends Andy, Ben and I did stuff like this in high school, on a much smaller scale, like dressing completely in white by pre-arrangement, or calling radio stations to request songs too obscure or otherwise inappropriate for the station's format. Think practical jokes that are confounding rather than annoying, or randomly-placed performance art. I love the quote from one organizer where he described flash mobs as "dispensing with the event, and just inviting the audience."

A pleasant thought, methinks, with which to start the day.

2003-07-28T11:45:00.000-04:00

STYLE INVITATIONAL, WEEK 512:

No ink. I was a little hopeful. The nature of the challenge was to treat the name of a famous person as an acronym, and decide what it stood for. I liked a couple of mine, including "Jayson Blair" and "Myers Briggs," but no luck.

At the risk of ruining a joke by overexplaining it, I especially like "Jayson Blair" because I figured having the text read like a newpaper headline would justify the jerky, awkward structure these constructions inevitably have (you'll notice that the winners, as clever as they are, are still forced to embrace awkward formats). Then, of course, my secondary punchline was to "properly attribute" the "headline" to the Reuters News Service. What do you think--Too obscure?

Anyway, here are the results of my fruitless efforts:

Jonathan Franzen: Justified Oprah Nod: “Artists, Too, Have A Need For Remuneration,” Author Never Zealously Embraced Notoriety.

Jayson Blair: “Journalistic Aberrancy: Youngster Stole Others’ News, Brazenly Lied, Abdicated Integrity” (Reuters)

Myers Briggs: My Yearly Evaluation Required Stupid Brainteaser. Result? I Got Gobbledygook Symbols.

Warren Zevon: “Werewolf” Artist Recruited Ronstadt, Eagles; Natural Zeal Expressed Via Oeuvre Nonpareil.

Oprah Winfrey: Old People Really Adore Her; Woman Is Not Found Regularly Engaging Youths.

2003-07-28T10:14:00.000-04:00

HOPE BURNS DEPARTMENT:

Bob Hope is dead, deceased, joined the blinkin' choir invisible.

He was 30 days past his 100th birthday (May 29, also the birthdate of John F. Kennedy and other noted American wits). I note that George Burns died 48 days after his hundredth birthday. I wonder if they didn't each have some intense drive to reach that nice, round number, and their focus sustained them a few weeks past the finish line?

My Friend and I recently watched one of Bob's "Road" movies with Bing Crosby. Watching it was part of my still-not-quite-realized goal of seeing all 100 of the AFI's hundred funniest movies. As the Czar of the Style Invitational recently averred in one of his online chats, Bob Hope was never funny. He had basically one joke: the one where he broke the fourth wall (broke character and addressed the camera directly). If it's 1942 and you've never seen someone do that before, that must have a pretty good comedic impact. As a movie comedy legacy, however, it's not exactly the Harpo/Groucho mirror gag. I stand by my recent statement that history will remember him merely as a servicable Muppet Show host.

Still, he seemed like a relatively decent guy, and the death of any man diminishes me, etc. etc. etc. Thanks, Bob.

2003-07-25T17:46:00.000-04:00

UDAY AND OFAY DEPARTMENT:

I remember seeing Top Gun as a kid. The rest of the audience cheered when the fighter planes were shot down. I remember thinking, "Hey wait. Two human beings just died." They were human beings just like "Goose," the Anthony Edwards character that was killed in a training exercise a few scenes earlier. They were military men, intensely trained for a specfic purpose at close quarters, that in all likelihood had families of their own.

The (completely unseen) Soviet characters were, of course, flying in American airspace under violations of international treaties, and it was strongly implied that they intended to wreak havoc on the United States. Accepting the ridiculous premise for the sake of argument, then yes, it was a good thing that those few jet planes were destroyed. Lives were ultimately spared; the action was justified on utilitarian grounds; jet pilots accept the risks inherent in their roles and functions; etc. etc. etc.

Likewise, the American characters deserved the impromptu celebration they held after returning to the tarmac. Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer, in a sea of toothy smiles, make peace and slap hands. They've just carried out a physically challenging commission in the service of their country, and succeeded. They have every right to applaud themselves. And perhaps the audience should applaud their achievment.

But should the audience applaud the act of killing itself? Should we ever view the spectacle of killing, and feel excitement, or joy?

I just feel that we should view the taking of a life, any life, as a solemn and significant act: for the actor, regardless of the executed. It's a subtle distinction I'm making: Celebrate the achievement, celebrate the consequences (in those monority of cases where the world is left better off by the death of a human), but mourn the solemnity and grusomeness of the necessitated task.

I'm amenable to other points of view. I'd ask you to be respectful, but feel free to sound off.

2003-07-25T16:43:00.000-04:00

PUTRI DISH DEPARTMENT:

Louise Brown, the Englishwoman who has the distinction of being the first test tube baby, is 25 today. It seems fitting to take the day to reflect on the interplay of biology and theology, man's inherent drive to achieve and OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT THING?!?!

Okay, okay, I'm not too much to look at myself, but doesn't she look just a tad, you know, British in the picture? I mean, not every Brit can be Elizabeth Hurley, but this shot makes her look like that inconceivably evil little girl from The Ring.

2003-07-24T16:03:00.000-04:00

TELL YOU WHAT DEPARTMENT:

Trout is tired. Trout is profoundly tired and shagged out and needs a long nap.

Let's see, what's on my mind? Trout has been enjoying Netflix for a few weeks, and has finally gotten around to seeing "The Last Starfighter" and "The Neverending Story," both of whoich were in fact charming little kids' movies, both of which apparently raise my geek level one-tenth of a point. You remember the "Purity Test" fronm college? One of the questions asked if you had ever done anything just to lower your purity score. Well, the stuff that I wanted to do on the list, that I hadn't already done, no one ever invited me to do. The Geek stuff you can do on your own. Don't that say it all?

Michael the Pinball Wizard and his lovely assistant Kate are off to Seattle. It'll be good for them. I'm kind of bummed, especially because I haven't gotten to see them much lately.

Michael, a devout Trekkie, took issue with my assertion last night that it's very possible that mankind is alone in the Universe. His assertion is that the sheer number of other galaxies (tens of billions, I think he said) and stars makes it statistically unlikely that there isn't life somewhere else.

My response (in essence) is that I would only be interested or impressed with intelligent life. I'd still think of mankind as "alone in the Universe" if we found a planet with self-replicating clays that consume and excrete. For something with at least an animal level of intelligence to evolve and propagate, though, requires more than a numbers game. It would require a planet that harbored both dynamic environments (such as liquid seas) that are conducive to frequent chemical and physical interactions; as well as stable environments (such as landmasses) that are conducive to perpetuating successful proto-organisms over geologic amounts of time. In fact, I've heard biologists argue that intelligent life could only arise on a solid planet with seas of water, to meet these requirements. In addition, you'd need a constant source of energy (such as sunlight) to foster reactions and a planet undisturbed by galactic events (comets, meteors, or other global events that would disrupt all evolutionary progress) for perhaps billions of years. In total, then, you could reject all of the tens or hundreds of billions of planets that do not orbit suns at the right distance, have the correct elements in hospitable ratios, and do not happen to have experienced the wild chemical accidents that brought forth life on Earth.

Man, am I going to miss Kate and Michael. They're the only two people I know who care about this stuff.

2003-07-23T16:54:00.000-04:00

I KNOW IT'S BEEN A WHILE...

Today's post was inspired by a game I love -- ultimate. Ultimate Frisbee (tm) for you uninitiated.

What often makes me laugh out loud is the names of teams out there, as there are several words associated with the game that are great to play on.

For example, a recent 4-on-4 sand tournament had a team named "Dirty Hucking Four."

An inventive name -- "Herniated Disc" for a master's team (older players). And the FCC's lawyers play under the name "Seven Dirty Words."

Then there's great play on college names. Saint Mary's (MD), for example, is "SMUT" -- Saint Mary's Ultimate Team. Or UNC Greensboro, which is the "UNC-G Spots."

There are more, but the G Spots are way up there...

2003-07-21T16:30:00.000-04:00

STYLE INVITATIONAL, WEEK 511:

No ink, no real effort. It was a cartoon-captioning contest, and I was busy and uninspired. Two entries:

One was for the cartoon showing a woman holding a fish and looking up. I said: "When Genevieve later reports to the ER intake person that she got “an unexpected visit from the stork,” they’ll initially match her up with the wrong kind of doctor." My thought was, the stork dropped the fish, and then was going to attack her to try and get it back, during which she'd be injured. Looking at it now, three weeks later, I'm not sure the joke was obvious enough.

The cartoon for my second entry showed a butler holding a dinner tray in one hand and something like a bell pull in the other. The bell pull, however, looked a little to me like a bird's leg. I wrote, "James will proffer the bird’s leg he is holding and explain that Miss Julia, his employer’s intended dining companion, is unable to join him and sends her egrets." I kind of liked it.

Rough week out here in the Troutpond.

2003-07-17T22:25:00.000-04:00

HELEN TAKES A POUND OF FLEISCHER:

I've been meaning to blog this exchange between Helen Thomas, media doyenne, and ex-White House apologist Ari Fleischer. It originally took place January 6, 2003, and I read it in the March 2003 issue of Harper's Monthly:

Ari Fleischer: Good afternoon and happy New Year to everybody. The President began his day with an intelligence briefing, followed by an FBI briefing. Then he had a series of policy briefings. And this afternoon, the President will look forward to a Cabinet meeting where the President will discuss with members of his Cabinet his agenda for the year. The President is going to focus on economic growth, making America a more compassionate country, and providing for the security of our nation abroad and on the homefront.

And with that, I'm more than happy to take your questions. Helen.

Helen Thomas: At the earlier briefing, Ari, you said that the President deplored the taking of innocent lives. Does that apply to all innocent lives in the world? And I have a follow-up.

Fleischer: I refer specifically to a horrible terrorist attack on Tel Aviv that killed scores and wounded hundreds. And the President, as he said in his statement yesterday, deplores in the strongest terms the taking of those lives and the wounding of those people, innocents in Israel.

Thomas: My follow-up is, why does he want to drop bombs on innocent Iraqis?

Fleischer: Helen, the question is how to protect Americans, and our allies and friends --

Thomas: They're not attacking you.

Fleischer: -- from a country --

Thomas: Have they laid the glove on you or on the United States, the Iraqis, in 11 years?

Fleischer: I guess you have forgotten about the Americans who were killed in the first Gulf War as a result of Saddam Hussein's aggression then.

Thomas: Is this revenge, 11 years of revenge?

Fleischer: Helen, I think you know very well that the President's position is that he wants to avert war, and that the President has asked the United Nations to go into Iraq to help with the purpose of averting war.

Thomas: Would the President attack innocent Iraqi lives?

Fleischer: The President wants to make certain that he can defend our country, defend our interests, defend the region, and make certain that American lives are not lost.

Thomas: And he thinks they are a threat to us?

Fleischer:There is no question that the President thinks that Iraq is a threat to the United States.

Thomas: The Iraqi people?

Fleischer: The Iraqi people are represented by their government. If there was regime change, the Iraqi --

Thomas: So they will be vulnerable?

Fleischer: Actually, the President has made it very clear that he has not dispute with the people of Iraq. That's why the American policy remains a policy of regime change. There is no question the people of Iraq --

Thomas: That's a decision for them to make, isn't it? It's their country.

Fleischer:Helen, if you think that the people of Iraq are in a position to dictate who their dictator is, I don't think that has been what history has shown.

Thomas: I think many countries don't have -- people don't have the decision -- including us.

2003-07-14T21:22:00.000-04:00

THE DOWN SIDE OF HAVING OMB AT YOUR FINGERTIPS DEPARTMENT:

At least thirty-five of the hosts of the 120 episodes of the original Muppet Show are now dead.

Or in the case of Shields and Yarnell or Wally Boag or Marisa Berenson, they might as well be.

2003-07-13T20:57:00.000-04:00

STYLE INVITATIONAL WEEK 510:

Two more mentions. The challenge was, let's say you have the opportunity to slip a quesiton into the stack of 3" x 5" cards the host of the Miss Universe pageant is using during the "personality" segment of the competition. What question would you like to slip in?

This particular contest made me a little nostalgic, because the entire Almondine family used to play this at home whenever the Miss America pageant came on. As we watched these competitions, Carp used to assume the personality of "Miss Bermuda Triangle" during these segments, and claim that she would use her position as pageant winner to popularize belching aming the world's young people, or something.

As usual, my printed entries are listed first. Confession: The next two questions are paraphrased from something I read in a mall when I was a kid, called "the book of stupid questions" or something. The NEXT two, however, are submissions similar to other honorable mentions, but I like my submissions better. So you see.

Does it bother you to think that somewhere in Kansas, there’s a twelve year old boy who’s been prevented from all access to porn, cable, or R-movies, and watching you and your fellow contestants walk around in swimsuits and high heels is the most erotic thing that’s ever fired up his burgeoning, hormonally-driven imagination?

Will you be my mommy?

If you could live anywhere in the world, would you?

If you could choose between the body of a fifteen-year old and the body of a thirty-five year old, where would you keep it?

If you had to kill a kitten with your bare hands to save the life of three puppies, would you do it?

If I told you that you would automatically win the personality competition if you got down on all fours and barked like a dog, would you do it?

What’s the largest object you’ve ever put in your mouth without chewing?

Which Supreme Court Justice would you most like to be, and why?

Would you rather be dumb and happy, or smart and miserable?

What would you want said about you at your funeral?

The duck-billed platypus has a single dorsal opening for excretion, sexual functions, and to discharge a toxic glandular secretion it uses to coat the prongs on its legs that it uses for defense. Wouldn’t that be weird if people had that?

Would you ever have dated Seinfeld, Woody Allen, Spike Lee, or any other creepy guy that always scripts really hot love interests for himself in the face of all logic and practical experience?

Which is more degrading: Devoting tremendous time and effort to your physical appearance in order for your worth to be judged like a prize Pomeranian, or answering meaningless, vapid questions that provide you an opportunity to impress nobody with anything except your diction?

Does this look infected to you?

So what do you put on your business card? “Mannequin”? “Icon of Anachronistic Feminine Totemism?”

What do you use to wash out ugly, persistent asphalt stains from the knees of your pantsuits?

2003-07-13T18:16:00.000-04:00

SIR IF YOU KEEP THIS UP I'LL HAVE TO CALL THE SECURITY DEPARTMENT:

My posting will be light or nonexistent this week as I take a week-long intensive course in computer security. If you're desperate for fresh Trout, send me an e-mail and ask me to say something witty.

2003-07-13T18:13:00.000-04:00

TRES JOLIE DEPARTMENT:

I recently watched the first "Tomb Raider" movie, and let me explain something to you: It wasn't so much a badly written, directed or acted movie, as a poorly conceived one.

Why did I rent a poorly-reviewed movie? I saw one scene on cable (which I don't have at home), and it was an incredibly well-executed action sequence. Lara Croft (Angelina Jolie) squares off against a twenty-foot tall stone idol. She fires her twin Desert Eagles right into the damn thing's face repeatedly, but it refuses to fall. She then tricks it into falling into a chasm, and as the structure they're in begins to collapse, she turns and runs full throttle leaping over another opponent, and out of the entrance, followed by billowing smoke.

What struck me from this scene is how well the movie captured the animation of the video game. The Tomb Raider series was lovingly animated, and the characters had weight and fluidity that allowed an unusual degree of empathy for the game-player. In the action sequence, Croft did evrything her character does in the games: shoots, runs, jumps, and rolls--and no more. The ultimate effect was to have a movie viewer that was already familiar with the game experience the same sense of satisfaction and release when the scene ends and Croft has achieved her objective: the viewer is reminded of his (let's face it, not really "his or hers") achievment in defeating the "level boss" and ending a game "level" successfully.

The movie echoes the game in other moments, as in the first scene when Lara enters a room where she is confronted with a series of physical challenges. As she stands at the entrance assessing her situation, her shoulders are back, her chin is high, and her feet are parallel and shoulder-width apart. Tomb Raider players will instantly recognize this as the video game character's classic "at rest" stance.

The movie starts to fail whenever the dialogue begins. In brief, tortured scenes, the characters make cryptic statements to each other, not really revealing their relationships to each other, but revealing enough plot points to justify Lara's costume changes and scene shifts to new exotic locales (another admirably-captured feature from the game).

The problem is that the whole is not as great as the sum of its parts. The qualities that make the game fun to play do not perfectly translate to a film that is fun to watch. Realistic animation is, of course, the very, very minimum that one expects from a live-action action movie; and the game's shallow characterizations and awkward, gamely-attempted (ha ha) dialogue translations from the Japanese are not in themselves enjoyable or desirable, merely forgivable given the quality of the game play.

In all, Tomb Raider reminds me of the "Edsel problem": The failure of Henry Ford's Edsel was not in considering what consumers would like in a car--the Edsel was produced after the most sophisticated market analysis that the American auto industry had ever conducted. The Ford corporation failed to consider, however, that what the consumer would think was a neat idea in a focus group would not necsessarily appeal to them as a purchaser or user. The Edsel was, in execution, expensive and too complicated. Tomb Raider suffers parallel consequences: In execution, it's simplistic and impersonal, depite incredibly adept translation from one medium to another.

Jolie does, however, make a convincingly kickass action heroine. I wonder how the second one turned out? And, I wonder if I'll ever bother finding out?

2003-07-11T16:45:00.000-04:00

No Worse than Creationism ...

Another installment from Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst, & Most Unusual for you.

"Worst Theory of Evolution: Kiss Maerth, the Yugoslavian-born author of The Beginning Was the End: Man Came Into Being Through Cannibalism -- Intelligence Can Be Eaten, accepts Charles Darwin's premise that our ancestors were apes, but that is about the only similarity between his theory of evolution and that of the great nineteenth-century naturalist.

According to Maerth, the apes fed primarily on each other's brains. Since brains are an aphrodisiac, the apes' dinner-table preferences increased their sex drive, an effect which in turn whetted their appetite for more brains.

The major result of this gluttonous ingestion of the brains of their contemporaries was to swell the size of their own brains and make the apes more intelligent. However, this enlargement of their brains took place at a faster rate than the enlargement of their skulls, producing (a) presumably, some pretty fierce headaches and (b), for the apes, an inflated sense of their own importance in the universe. And that, Maerth suggests, is why we're in the mess we're in today."

2003-07-10T14:26:00.000-04:00

FORGIVE ME LORD DEPARTMENT:

I don't think a decent family news outlet should report on a Major League Baseball player caught publicly whacking the sausage.

2003-07-10T11:00:00.000-04:00

THOSE WHO DO NOT LEARN HISTORY DEPARTMENT:

I was reminded today of one of the most brilliant things I'd ever seen in the Washington Post. As exposed by a lead story in Harper's, Woodstock 1999 was a travesty of commercial excess. Water was scarce and expensive; toilet facilities were inadequate and many broke, requiring attendees to camp among rivulets of sewage. Security was minimal. By the end of the festival, multiple sexual assaults were reported, and vendor boths were torn down to create bonfires. Concert promoters, when confronted with these consequences of inhumane logistics and singleminded pursuit of profit, defended the concert as "a huge success" because "nobody broke in."

It's years to late to link to the original quote, but some concert attendees defended the event as a success, as well. The Post, without comment, quoted one attendee:

"We're not here to recreate the past. We don't just want to do exactly what they did back in '94."

2003-07-09T14:20:00.000-04:00

TROLLING FOR COMPLIMENTS DEPARTMENT:

KevStar's contention that "trolling" refers to disingenuous posts made for purposes of personal gain may be the current usage, but reliable sources tell me there's a usage that predates it: Disingenuous posts made for the sheer joy of annoying people--back in the day, especially "newbies" to Usenet, who naively circulated the early-90's equivalent of virus warnings, urban myths, etc. (Make sure to read the whole link, people).

2003-07-08T16:16:00.000-04:00

BIG SIGH OF RELIEF

The NCAA has decided there will be no re-seeding of the Final Four in the yearly gambling frenzy...er, basketball tournament. But they will try to match the top two teams by putting them on opposite sides of the bracket. And they have thrown out the ridiculous East, West, Midwest, and South labels -- there were games in Connecticut last year that fed into the West bracket.

Basically, this makes a lot of sense. More importantly, no re-seeding means we don't have to worry about the NCAA screwing with our tournament pool brackets. It leaves it up to us to do that. (Not that I'm saying that picking Holy Cross to beat Kentucky, Kansas, and Marquette in consecutive years is screwing up -- it almost worked.)

And, even better, it means we don't have to try to explain this to our wives and girlfriends all over again -- which would only get us that patronizing "aw, so cute" look...

2003-07-08T14:23:00.000-04:00

I CAN NOT GET ANY AMOUNT OF SATISFACTION DEPARTMENT:

Pat Myers, the Auxiliary Czar of the Style Invitational, hosted the Czar's usual online chat today at the Washington Post. Pat (aka Pat the Perfect, often abbreviated "pthep") was a charming host. She is also a language expert, having been the former Chief Copy Editor of the whole durn Style Section. People on the online chat often ask her advice on grammar issues (so yeah, the Style Invtational really, really caters to personality types similar to mine).

Among other interesting responses, Pat had this to say about the standards of proper English, a manifesto I agree with passionately:

Question: ...how do you react to sentences beginning with "And" or "But"?
Pthep: I love starting sentences with "and" or "but" -- it's a great transition, and it doesn't slow down the sentence the way that "however" can.

You will find somewhere a rule that starting a sentence with "and" or "but" is a bad thing.

But look: Here is what the problem comes down to. The English language is not Major League Baseball. Major League Baseball has a very, very long and complex set of rules -- but it is a finite list, and this list is accepted by all 30 major-league teams as the indisputable arbiter of which actions are acceptable, and which are forbidden. An umpire who must rule on the validity of a catch will consult these rules to make a decision. The umpire will not base his decision on what some of the finest players of 1907 preferred, nor will he quote the opinion of George Will, or pull out the set of rules given him by his own high school coach, a man of extraordinary knowledge and wisdom.

There is no Official Rule Book of How to Do English. There is no set of teams that agree to use the same rules, whatever they are. Instead, innumerable people in the word business -- or anyone else who feels like weighing in -- issue pronouncements that such a construction or spelling or usage is perfectly acceptable, or a horrifying degradation of the language, or acceptable in this case but not in that one. Often they support their case by pointing out that Chaucer or Shakespeare or Milton or Austen used such a construction; others will point to "the most authoritative" of any of a host of handbooks, whose rulings boldly contradict one another. Look, you might as well quote Pat the Perfect, Erstwhile Longtime Copy Desk Chief at the Pulitzer Prize-Winning Washington Post. Hey, it's a credential!

No, there is no Definitive Source. But does that mean that we ought to have no rules at all to enforce? Of course not. (After all, my children need to eat.) So what writers and editors end up doing is adopting some set of guidelines -- rules that follow some logical principles yet are not so rigid as to scorn how the language is spoken and written by literate people of our time and place. It's inevitable, then, that the arguments will continue ad infinitum, and that there will always be helpful people like me to rule on The One True Way.